As young children we all get to see the Disney movies and we all hear the age old Fairy tales that has stood the test of time. My mom told me that as a kid I always loved the witch characters and our family being Pagan we never really paid much attention to the bad rep of the witches. My mom said that as a kid I never missed a single episode of Liewe Heksie. Nothing short of my own death could make me miss it. I just somehow knew. I only learnt how to read time in about grade 6 but apparently as a kid of 4 or 5 I would sit in the bath and then know, that Liewe Heksie is about to start. I would get out of the bath, run wet assed, to the T.V. to watch it. Never missed it. As I got older I started thinking about the ‘bad reps’ of the witches in Fairytale Land. In the beginning of the year I read a book about gay Paganism and the author wrote a short paragraph on the topic.
So what I am going to do now is take a few Fairytale Land witches and explain their story. Let’s see if they are really as bad as what they have been made out to be for all these years.
The Evil Stepmother Witch – Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Here have a beautiful queen who gets talked into what was probably an arranged marriage. The king makes out to be this wonderful charmer but we all know it’s because no one else will marry him due to the fact that he already has a spoiled little brat daughter. The queen is a beautiful woman and everyone takes note of her beauty, but an arranged marriage can be an awfully lonely thing. The king is bonking the mistress of the chamber pot as well as the stable boy. So the queen decides to also have a lover. The rugged manly hunter. Besides for her lover and her looks she has a pet crow that she loves more than anything. You see she can’t have kids so the crow is her only child. She then also has a magic mirror that is her only company when the hunter is away. The mirror reminds her of her only virtue, her beauty. All in all a very lonely life. Remember those were the days when women were less than worthy. She had no say in ruling the kingdom with her husband. He was probably a chauvinist bastard who locked her up in the castle as trophy wife.
Then one day during one of her chats with her old pal the magic mirror, he informs her that the one thing that she had that was her only virtue is now also gone. That bitch 16 year old barely legal slut of a step daughter Snow White is now the most beautiful in the country. In fact the hunter has dumped the queen for Snow White. No one in the kingdom will ever again think that she is pretty. As a matter of fact she is going to die a ugly old bat with no friends. She get shown how worthless she has become, overnight, and that from here on it’s just all downhill. It’s like she was living in Hollywood. The magic mirror, her constant companion, (which was probably a bit of metal illness) tells her that it’s all Snow White’s fault. So if you are the queen, what are you gonna do? You gonna take the bitch out.
The Wicked Witch of the West – The Wizard of Oz
In the beginning of the movie we briefly meet the sister of the Wicked Witch of the West. She is the called the Wicked witch of the East. We don’t know anything about her when Dorothy, her misfit friends, The Fairy Godmother and a bunch of midgets drops a house on her. They drop a fucking house on the woman and they call her wicked, Jesus! So we know nothing about this poor woman who is killed, no brutally murdered in the beginning of the movie. A few minutes later we meet the Wicked Witch of the West. A shy skinny woman, who has just learnt of the death of her sister. Her sisters death was not a freak accident like a heart attack or a broom that set alight or drowning in her own cauldron. Oh no, she got killed by some assholes that thought it would be okay to drop a house on her. I mean think about the brutality. It’s the burning times all fucking over again. Her sister now obviously filled with remorse and anger and a need for justice decides to take revenge. She is the woman that stands up in the court room, faces the accused and screams “I know you killed my sister you bastard” and BANG BANG BANG, she pulls out a gun and kills him. When this happens in our court rooms we applaud the woman and say that we would have done the same thing, but here in Fairytale Land or Oz, we get told that she is wicked and evil and that we need to kill her as well.
The Witch – Hansel and Gretel.
A retired old woman lives quietly in her house in the middle of the forest, away from civilization as she is retired and no longer wants the fast paced village life. She has used her life saving to build an extraordinary house made entirely of treats. This is probably because she has developed diabetes in her old age and since she can no longer eat her favourite treats she would still like to experience them in some way.
One day while sitting in front of the fireplace, knitting a beautiful new scarf, while a nice broth is brewing in the pot she hears a strange sound. She puts down the knitting and starts to investigate. She searches the entire house and as she gets to the bathroom she sees that half of her one bathroom wall is missing. It’s fucking gone! She rushes outside to see if it was a small earthquake or a tree that fell or just something so that insurance can pay out. What does she find? Two infant probably orphaned brats eating her fucking house.
She has no money left to rebuild, do you know what architects cost? She lives off the land how is she going to fix this? I mean what would you do if you come home and someone is busy tearing your bathroom down, tile for tile, just because they felt like doing it. It will blow my fucking lid. I would also get so angry that I want to eat the little fuckers.
Maleficent – Sleeping Beauty
She was once the hottest thing in Fairytale Land. Everyone wanted to either be her or be with her. Even the king, who is a poof, wanted her. But like all wild and erotic girls she made a mistake. Hers was that she dabbled a bit. Nothing serious like porn movies, just a bit of black magic. WHAM!!! No one ever speaks to her again. She falls from grace and people hold that one mistake to her forever. They make sure that she never fucking forgets it. People can be so cruel. No matter where she goes people point, stare and whisper to each other. If she had been living in this country she would have been made president or in the every least she would have been health minister. No not in Fairytale Land.
She eventually goes to live far away from people on the outskirts of humanity and surrounds herself with misfits who still thinks she is the hottest babe alive. Then after an eternity just when the entire kingdom was sure the king was a poof he announces that his wife just gave birth to their first child, a baby girl. Never mind the fact that he is so old his sperm is like powder. Personally I would ask for a paternity test. The king invites everyone. The neighboring Queen with her stupid husband and ugly son Charles. The Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela even Robert Mogabe, everyone, except for Maleficent. Personally that would piss me off as well. All because of one mistake.
Ursula – The Little Mermaid
Sea king Triton has a babe lover called Ursula. Envy of all men, some women and a few guppies. She is like the sea worlds Marilyn Monroe.
So what happens? She wants a little security, some stability, a ring on her finger. House, white picketed fence and sea horse or two. What do they do to her? They banish her. King Triton has commitment issues and is afraid that he might loose his hard-on so they banish her. How would you feel? Then many years later the kings youngest daughter comes to her for help, because she has more hormones than spit in her mouth. She fancies a human prince. Firstly, I am not a judgmental person but that is inter species sex. It’s like fucking a budgie. It shouldn’t happen. Secondly, you wanna tell me that in the entire kingdom she could not find a single merman that made her nipples hard. Bullshit.
But Ursula doesn’t judge and she and Ariel makes a legally binding contract. Signed. What happens, she gets destroyed for it. For doing something completely legal.
We get shown these movies or read these books to teach us the valuable lesson of good versus evil, of what justice is, to teach us to take responsibility in life and to show us right from wrong. But the story looks very different from the other angle does it not. So next time you read these tales or watch these movies, make sure you are on the right side.
Mwah!
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