Influences

A man woke up one morning. Feeling like a ray of sunshine he decided that today is going to be a great day. He dressed himself in exotic clothes and put some colour on his face. This long process, yet worth while one, was completed by the final touch of a plain red bindi that is placed between his brows. He looks in the mirror and for the first time in a very long time he feels very good about himself.. After the ritual of change, this sacred one that every caterpillar also experiences, he goes to turn the kettle on so that he can make coffee for himself and his boyfriend before they leave on their journey.

His boyfriend looks at him, mouth drops open “you look so sexy” he says. Blushing the young man says “Thank you” and he feels that today is going to be a great day. Even his boyfriend noticed he looks good and complimented him, how can this day not be great.

Everywhere they go people compliment him, men whistle and in general people are extremely kind to him.  Doors gets opened, people give way and everyone is flirting with him. Yes today is going to be a great day. His boyfriend can’t keep his eyes or hands off of him. He feels like he is the envy of every man and woman, they either want him or want to be with him.

And then it gets to the point in the story where his boyfriend tells him that he has to use the bathroom. He himself feels the need for a bathroom but has issues with public bathrooms. So happy that the boyfriend will go and explore this unknown territory first to report back he quietly sits on the bench and waits. A few minutes later the boyfriend returns and gives the ok that he himself can now go to relieve his bladder. Again, very aware that people are looking at him with lusty eyes he struts to the bathroom.

As he is about to walk in, the cleaner, an aged African woman, tells him that he is not allowed to enter the room. He asks her why.

“Because that is the gents” she says and points to her other side and says “The ladies is that way” He looks at her knowing that people often call him lady or ma’am or girl. He tells her that he is most definitely in the right place. She looks at him for a long moment in silence and disbelief and then asks “So what are you a man?” And again being used to this kind of treatment he says that he actually is yes. Up until now everything was still fine, but then she asked the next question

“So then why are you fat?”

Silence. You can hear a penny drop. The need to visit the bathroom is gone and it seems like all the preparation for the day has been an utter waste.

Today is going to be a horrible day.

How easily we are brought down in one quick sweep.

Kuns en Kultuur

Ek tik die blog in Afrikaans want ek dink nie dat daar enige ander taal is wat die ervaring kan verduidelik nie. Dis ook snaaks dan dat ek Afrikaans kies om my emosie oor te dra, want toe ek nog kind was, het ek altyd gedink dat Afrikaans n aaklige taal is vir enige emosie en ek het altyd gewens dat ek n Engels man kon wees.

Gisteraand was ek en my geliefde man Paul na ‘n kuns en poësie uitstalling in die Kuns-Kaap sentrum. Een van Paul se vriendinne wat saam met hom buik dans doen was die kunstenaar en digter. Gerda Louw, ‘n naam wat julle almal maar gerus kan gaan opsoek, ‘n naam wat nog vele male gaan verskyn.

Gerda Louw

Elke skildery was gepaar met n dig. Die dig het nie die kuns verduidelik nie maar uit gebry daarop. Die uitstalling se naam was ‘Passage’. Gerda verduidelik hoe die ry skilderye en die poësie wat daarmee saam gaan, jou nie tot n eind bestemming bring nie, maar net hoe dit ons bewus maak van elke stap wat ons neem op ons ‘Passage’ om onself the ontdek. Sy daag ook die aanskouer uit om verby die kuns te kyk. Om te kyk wat sal in elke stuk volgende gebeur. Dus word die kuns nie net a storie van Gerda se lewe nie maar elk een van ons ful aan tot wat ons oë sien en so word haar storie, my storie, jou storie, ons storie.

Die musiek van die klavier en die saksefoon wat gespeel word deur twee mense op die maat van musiek wat jou terug neem na n tyd sonder sorge en probleme akkommedeer my stap langs die muur van kuns en poësie.

Ons begin die ‘Passage’ met n gedig genaamd ‘Gallery’. Ironies genoeg was dit vir my een van my gustelling stukke.

‘versplinterde skeppings

wat hang in die gange van ‘n verwronge realiteit’

Dis net twee reels van daai dig en van daardie oomblik af was ek absoluut binne in Gerda se skeppings. In n wêreld waar dit vir my voel asof elke stuk werk geskryf of geskilder was om iets vir my te betekin. My gunstelling dig stuk was een met die naam “Ek is anders’. Emotioneel staan ek voor die raam teen die muur waar die stuk hang. Die knop in my keel form en vergroot en ek voel hoe raak my oë nat. Ek sal later uitvind dat dit is ook haar gunstelling stuk.

Paul kon nie genoeg kry van haar kuns met die naam ‘La Traviata’ en vir rede. Vir my spreek dit van maskers. Maskers wat ons op verskillende tye en verskillende paaie vir verskillende redes dra.

Gerda se dig bundel 'Eg'

Die klavier en saksefoon is nou vergesel deur 'n stem wat sing in die mooiste toon. En hier staan ek voor die kuns stuk wat my die heel aand terug roep om weer te kom kyk, ‘Meisie op die spiraal trap’. Dit spreek tot my siel, van waar ek vandaan kom tot waar ek nou is en waarheen ons gaan sal net hemele alleen weet, maar voor daardie stuk het ek heel aand gesit en ek kon myself heeltemal vireenseldig daarmee. Dit was asof sy die net vir my geskilder het. Asof Gerda presies geweet het wat in my lewe aangaan soos n God wat uit die hemel my elke stap dophou en die stuk kuns vir my gee om te se, ‘Ek weet’.

Gerde Louw se werk kannie gemeet word nie. Een van die gaste het gese hy voel soos hy gevoel het toe hy die eerste keer een van Van Gohg se stukke gesien het. Dit was heeltemal asemrowend en n plesier en eer om daardie talent te kon aanskou.

Gerda het ook n dig bundel wat te koop is en natuurlik moes ek net een he.

Gaan kyk gerus na haar webtuiste op www.gerdalouw.com of kontak haar op art@gerdalouw.com

Matthew Shepard

On October 6^th and 7th in 1998 a brutal crime was committed against a young boy.  Matthew Shepard was beaten to the point of death by other boys for being gay. In the little town of Wyoming in the United States of America, two other men decided to beat Matthew Shepard and left him hanging in the fields for death. A biker that drove by at first thought that Matthew was a scarecrow.  On the 12^th of October he died in the Hospital of severe head injuries that caused stem damage among others.

Protestors carried placards  at the funeral saying “No Tears for Queers”. 

This young boy suffered but his story has been the main driving force for the legislation against gay crimes. Not that this is a comfort for a mother who lost her child. Judy Peck (mother) in 2009, wrote a book about the event and the events that followed her sons death.

You can read more about this tragic accident on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthew_Shepard

Most of us look at this accident and think that it does not affect us at all and we are so glad that we do not live in Wyoming. The fact is that hate crimes against gays still do exist and it happens all around you. You have just chosen to close your eyes to it and you have chosen to laugh about the ‘witted’ gay jokes. But even a young boy that grows up in a very liberal home during the 80’s and 90’s gets affected by these ‘witted’ gay jokes. You think it is a joke to call someone gay and then link that gay title to something less than human. You teach society to point and call gay and then beat up. You teach your children that gay people are fudge packers and all sorts of horrible names. You show your work colleagues and friends that you wont associate with your gay brother or sister. You tease, you belittle, you brake the souls of people all over the world and when confronted you say it was a joke. YOU ARE A SICK INDIVIDUAL. YOU ARE GUILTY OF GAY HATE SPEECH and YOU ARE JUST AS GUILTY OF MANSLAUGHTER.

I was 25 when I finally came out of the closet. Just about 4 years ago. It was the scariest experience that I have ever had to go through. I am that boy that grew up in a very liberal home in 80’s and 90’s. My mother had just passed away the year before and I was lost. What scared me the most is what would my siblings think. Especially one of them. Not because he ruled my life but because my siblings were all I had now, the only family I knew. And for my entire life I have been the underdog of gay jokes and comments relating to how fucked up I am therefore I am gay as per one of my siblings. Yes of course he sees it as a friendly jest, a joke. Those jests and jokes and fucked up comments ruined my life and made the most important choice of my life also the scariest one. I was too afraid to breathe in fear of what may happen if someone could smell on my breath that I enjoyed to suck cock. It has been four years since then and I have forgiven and moved on, but how many cannot. How many are too scared to come out of the gay closet for fear of what their family and friends and society will do and say. How many rather end their own lives due to that fear. And you in your perfect straight world with your white picketed fence and your 2.4 kids can’t understand why. Because it is your fault if you have ever told so much as one poor tasted gay joke, teased one gay person, or made one negative comment about a gay person. If you have done that then it may have been you that took that persons life. Makes no difference.

Fact is, it is never just a ‘witted’ joke. And next time someone is killed or someone’s soul is destroyed or someone commits suicide due to gay hate speech, just think, it could have been your child.

So go tell your fucked up jokes to yourself. The rest of the world does not want to hear it.

Giant Mistakes

I just need to get something off my chest and even though it has nothing to do with anyone and even though it wont make sense to my readers, I just have to get it off and since this is my fucking blog I can write here what ever I want.

Sometimes in this life we act very impulsively. Sometimes too impulsively. I speak of personal experience. I am a impulsive twat who often is like a bull in a china shop once I have an idea in my head. I tend to think that I know what is best and then I run with it. Sometimes forgetting to take into consideration the people around me. I don't always think enough about a situation and I just jump. My motto has always been that tomorrow I might be dead and then I never got the oppertunity to do what I thought about doing. The god thing about thinking like this is the fact that you really do experience all kinds of things. The bad thing about this is that sometimes you get yourself into some serious shit. I am afraid that today I think I may have jumped to quickly and I also realise that it is too little too late. What I did is really not important. What is important that Paul stands next to me all the way. I have been blessed with the best man on this planet. Sometimes I dont even think that I deserve him.

On the Cher farewell tour she tells people how you should do everything  that you want to do while you have the oppertunity to do it. She says that she doesnt want to die and think "Shit I should have done that", rather when she dies she would like to think "Shit maybe I shouldn't have done that".

Well I think I have just stumbled upon such a situation. I know that there are no amount of appologies that can ever make right the damage that this can have but I am truly very sorry.

So, 'shit, maybe I shouldnt have done this.'

Blessings

I have not been very active on the blog in the last few weeks as serious changes have been happening in our home and in out life. All of them for the better. What will the outcome of all this be, who the hell knows. But I suppose that is part of the excitement.

We finally have a car and Paul has an amazing job. Life seems to finally be looking up for us and I for one am very excited. I am so grateful for all of the many blessings that we have received over the last year. But as the year draws closer and closer to its end I look around me and see so many ungrateful people.  I know that this year has not been wonderful to all of us and that some of us has lost dear ones, jobs, teeth, sanity whatever all, but even if you only have one tooth left in your mouth then I suppose you can be grateful for that. I know it is difficult to stay positive when all else seems like it is falling to shit, but it is so important for us to then stay positive. A negative attitude only builds and attracts negative energy. You draw that to you then. The people in your life will be negative and what’s worse is that you wont even realize it. Misery loves company and like attracts like. Besides we all have something to be grateful for. A roof over our heads, If you are reading this then an internet connection and a form of computer to read it on. If a friend printed it out for you then be grateful for a printer or better yet a friend like that. I also would like to use this opportunity to tell everyone that there is no use to hold a grudge. Don’t get me wrong here, I am sure as shit not claiming to be a messiah who is all love and all light and fluffy bunny shit. And I am also a Scorpio. Ain’t no one can hold a grudge like a Scorpio, but I also know when it is completely useless to do so. To tell you a secret it is actually always pointless to hold a grudge.

A very close friend of mine told me about how she held a grudge to her primary school bully for all these years and then when they were all adults she went to the bar one night, a guy poked her shoulder and asked for light. She nearly died, it was the primary school bully. She had waited her entire life for this moment. But instead she did nothing. She realized that he had no idea who she was. That is when she realized that holding a grudge doesn’t do any harm except to the person that is holding it. She had held onto a grudge for years and years and here was the bully in front of her. He had gone on with his life. Gotten married, had his house white picketed fence and two point four children. No idea who she was. Yet she spent years thinking about him. Making herself feel sick and crying over how he treated her and and and. Instead of spending that energy on something constructive and positive she wasted it on a man that doesn’t even know who she is today. All that stress built up over what?

As you know by now, every meal that I have I, softly to myself, mention 1 thing that I am grateful for. I urge no in fact I challenge you to do the same. Even if it is only for the rest of this year. Every time you have a meal, think of one thing that you are extremely grateful for. Don’t use the same thing more than once. It can be one word or a description. Anything you are grateful for.

Mwah!!