Where Zeo Started

In some weird fucked up way I am giving you my memoirs by way of this blog. Of course this includes my thoughts and feelings on certain topics as well. I want to tell you about my first class I ever gave. I know we have lightly touched on it but lets take a deeper look inside the mind of me……….if it scares you, don’t worry, it scares me too. Hehehehehehe

As you know by now I gave my first class in mid April of the year 1998. But how did this happen? At that point in my life I had read a few books and a few printouts that I could find. Not nearly enough to even think of calling myself a teacher. But I was ponsy, full of myself and in need to prove a point to myself. I mean come on I was 16. What the fuck did I know about teaching anyone? But I wanted to do it. Two of my friends humoured me (well at least, now that I think back, I think they were humouring me) and signed up to be taught by me. Yes I soaked up all the info that I read like a sponge, but this didn’t make me a teacher.

Sometimes I think it was the best thing that I could have done and other times I look back and just think “What the fuck where you thinking?” But I don’t regret it. I learned so much from that experience. So I wrote about 24 pages myself of what we were going to discuss and the rest was all readings from books. Mostly from Raymond Buckland’s Big Blue book.

You know I can remember every single student that ever passed through my hands. And the two that started it all was Chloe ‘Rhiannon’ Smedy and Quentin Fourie. I think if we had 6 classes it was a lot. After that I met Darkwolf and so many people and then realized that I actually knew jack shit. I was no expert on anything and needed to learn a lot more to even think of attempting to teach again. And so I packed away the notes that I made. I still have those notes. Come on that’s where it all started.

When I first met a witch outside of my family I was jumping up and down and couldn’t believe others existed. I met one woman. Her name was Nicola. I can’t remember why we met. I remember that Chloe se up the meet but I never really say her again after that and therefore I can’t really remember what the purpose was. But it could also be that I scared the poor woman off. You see when I started meeting other witches, the country was very different. You didn’t just meet other Pagans. People were on the verge of coming out but still weary. So what do I do, doos that I am? I scare people away. How? Let me explain this.

A young 17 year old Zeo. Even this photo is ponsy

When I was that young and I started to meet so many other people who were so extraordinary it started freaking me out cuz I realized just how plain and boring I was at that point in time (a lot has changed, hehehehehehehe). So my mother also being Pagan and teaching me things and walking the path with me (As I previously explained, we were always different in our ways, called ourselves the Addams Family) I got on the Hereditary witch band wagon. It was and still is true. My mother, being adopted, also discovered that her biological aunt was also into weird things and especially healed the sick with herbs. But the aunt had been dead apparently and so we could not contact her. You can imagine this little blond blue eye wonder walking around, making sure that everyone knew he was an hereditary witch. It was so pathetic of me. I, in my young mind I needed to feel that I was special and that was my ticket. It is a true ticket, not a word of lie, but I am sure it started pissing people off to hear it over and fucking over. And that is one of the ways I scared people off. Who wants to listen to a 18 year old snot constantly going on and on? I don’t.

Of course my sister and I also started an e-zine called the ‘Wiccan Read’. It was great fun to do but of course gave me another ticket to ride fucking flat. I was co-editor and co-founder of an e-zine! Noddy badge!!

You know when I think back and think of all the bizarre shit that I used to do and cause then I almost can’t believe that I was once one of the, young Bambi in the headlights, very excited, everything is wonderful 18 year olds that believe that when your bowels are loose and you feel the chill down your spine when you shit, it is actually the Goddess speaking to you. I was very much into all the energies and all the things that today’s young pagans are into and I just think to myself, damn, either I have grown up or become Jaded or a both. I’d like to think both.

Someone once asked me how is it that I can tolerate these young kids that are so very wide eyed and busy tailed. I told the person that I could relate. She laughed at me and told me that I couldn’t possibly be speaking the truth as I am nothing like that. This is true, I am nothing like that……anymore, but we all had to start off being wide eyed and busy tailed at some point.

Mwah!!

Ritual Epic Fail

In 2001 I attended my first ever public ritual. Yes at home we did private things, my mom and I, but this was my first actual public ritual where I was going to be one of many other Pagans. It was a few days after I met Donna Darkwolf Vos for the first time. She invited me to a ritual and told me that she will email me the ritual outline so that I can know what to expect.  I cannott remember what Sabbath it was but for some reason I seem to think that it was a Lammas or Mabon. Anyway, so I receive the email from her and I read through it and it sounds lovely. I however also read that I am calling the eastern quarter. I froze. Yes I had done this on my own but never in front of a large group of people. The most people I have ever done it in front of was my mother. So I panic. And the first thing that I panic about is not the amount of people, or that it is Darkwolf or what I am going to say. No, I panic about what am I going to wear. So a day of shopping is called for. My mom offered to help me make something and so I decided on this elaborate black and gold mixture between a cloak and robe with a moerse train.  How young and stupid I was. But this alone did not satisfy me. I then decided that shopping is still needed as I need something to wear under this coat, cloak, jaket, robe thing, as it didn’t close in front and I didn’t want it to.  So one Saturday, one of my friends and I decided to go into town and find a plain robe in white to wear under this black and gold number.

We started out at a small muslim shop in Adderley street. There I saw a stunning silk robe but wanted it to be a bit more……..well a bit more. Goddess knows I should have known then already that I was gay. So we walk town flat. We go into just about every second shop and everywhere the robes seem to lack something. I ended up buying the silk one from the first shop. My friend nearly killed me as his feet was busy doing it to him. 

Ok so now that I had that sorted the next was to get my words sorted. I didn’t stress at all about the fact that there might be a shit load of people as I did 5 years of Drama and thought that, that was enough to get me through it. So I get all my books (which at that point in my life, I think was all of 5) and all the printout notes that I had. Now I am goignt to write this elaborate invocation and I am going to look awesome and people will want to be my friend. God I was a twat, and ponsy, like you cannot fucking believe. Very full of myself.

We arrive at the Darkwolf’s house. Everything is set up and I get introduced to a few people. Which is a whole new blog on it’s own, for another day. I go to the backyard and there I walk the circle and practice my invocation. You see I have to do this perfectly. No room for errors. I need to prove that I am worthy, or some such bullshit that went through my mind at that point in time. The ritual starts. We are being smudged and anointed. We all walk into circle. I remember that East was closest to the house. I stood there while everyone is walking in. My black and gold experiment looks fabulous as it flows in the wind and the white silk is stunning underneath it. Back then I had blond hair cut in what Darkwolf described as a “back of the bakkie hairstyle.” It was short and gelled to stand in all different directions so it looked like I was on the back of a bakkie.  I had that surfer look going for me. Or rather I thought that the surfer look was going or me. I realize now how wrong I was.

Back to the story, I looking very serious yet serine in circle and then they light the sword right next to my head. Something I didn’t expect, so I nearly shat myself. But it looked stunning. Circle is cast and I have to invoke the Air energies from the East. I raise my hands as I turn to face the tikki-torch. My black and gold looks awesome in the wind. I look up and with a dramatic pull of the face I open my mouth to speak.......... 

It was at that time that I experienced an old Afrikaans idiom.  It goes as follows “Ek is van my sinne beroof” Now this actually means that you are crazy, but I was literally robbed of my words. I stood there like a doos not knowing what to say. I could not remember a single word. Nadda!!

I some how mustered something out which was like two sentences, nothing like my original speech that I planned. I then forgot to end it off with “Hail and Welcome” I looked and felt like such a doos.

My point to this blog is to remind everyone that we all started at some point and that it is ok to make a mistake. The earthy didn’t open up and swallow . I didn’t get some eternal punishment for it and even though I am sure that both the Air elemental and the Goddess giggled they didn't smite me. They have a sense of humour, I am sure of it. I look at some people out there and realise that the Goddess MUST have a sense of humour. So next time you are called to do something in any circle. Be proud and honoured and take it as it comes. Even the most prepared and most learned still make mistakes!

Mwah!

Failure to Commit

When I was in High School I had three amazing teachers. I had more than three but the three of them were amazing and they have changed my life forever, simply by being who they were. One of those three people was my English teacher, Belinda Nel. She always had interesting quotes on her black board. One day we walked in and on the board it said: “The only time a man is committed is when he is in an institution” or something like that. That was basically the gist of it. It was funny. But lately this is getting me thinking.

Paul and I don’t have issues. We are happy in our relationship. Yes we have had issues in the past but we are so past them. So things with us are as close to perfect as what any relationship can ever be. My point is I am not talking about an experience between us. I am generalizing in this blog and I know it is wrong but it is my blog and I am giving the ladies one. 

In the movie 'Moonstruck' the mother asks everyone she meets “why do men cheat?” and no one can answer her. Then eventually at the end of the movie someone tells her that men fear death and that that is why they cheat.

In the movie ‘The Witches of Eastwick’ the devil says that men treat women like shit for fear of loosing a hard-on.  I agree with the latter. My point is that I find that so many people are just not in it anymore.

You know Paul’s parents have never been divorced. They are still extremely happy together and completely in love. It is so amazing to see them together. They are truly happy and truly in love and truly together because the one can't and doesn’t want to be without the other. It really acts as such an inspiration.

But I look around me and all I see is bullshit. I see terrible things happening in relationships and I cannot help but wonder why people even get involved in the first place.

Ok now I am going to piss people off. I find this to be especially true in the gay community.  I find that in the gay community it is all about what you wear, what you drive, who you know, what your body looks like and then what you can use your partner for. Gay relationships hardly last. People fall in and out of love quicker than what a person suffering from diarrhea can go through toilet paper. People are so surprised when they hear that Paul and I have been together for almost 4 years and they cant understand why they cant get that as well.

Then you go look at what is happening in their relationships. They cheat on their partners, they lie and they use each other. Then when their partner kicks them to the curb they want to be shocked and cry long fucking tears. Then its all about shame poor me and please feel sorry for me.

Here is the thing. We, the people who are actually serious and who do actually believe in being true and faithful are getting really tired of your bullshit. You know I get clients who cry and cry on my shoulder that their husband is cheating on them and (having been in that position) my heart opens up to them and I so badly want to just make it better. Then ten minutes later they tell you how they have been seeing this man for the last six years behind their husbands back and I actually chase them out. I have no fucking time for people who mess with the hearts of other people. You deserve to get your chest ripped open and for everyone who is actually true and faithful to shit in your lungs and heart. I get so angry with people who use other people. Yes It pisses me off cuz I have been in the position of being used all too often and I know when it is happening. I am aware when someone lies to me and what is almost worse is that the person lying to you thinks that he is just a fucking genius for leading you around his curves of bullshit. Wake up!! I have somewhat more life experience than you and I really do know what you are doing and that you are a bullshitter. 

#Pulls shirt straight again and takes a deep breath#

Don’t get me wrong, I also see people that are really in love and happy. Paul and I are one of those couples that are truly happy. To all you little fuck faces that think you can just be horrible human beings, one day you will finally meet someone that you love beyond anything. You will experience true happiness and then that person is going to do to you what you did to others. And when that day of hurt arrives, remember what Z said to you on his blog on this day. And then don’t come crying to me, cuz I don’t care anymore. For people who must constantly hurt others in relationships I am going to leave you with a quote I read on Facebook

“I’d call you a cunt, but you don’t have the warmth or the depth”

Have a nice day!

Mwah!!

Fire and Ice

Sharing a shake

Last night sitting at home Monique, Paul and myself were chatting about all kinds of yummy cakes and things to eat. This was at about nine. Paul and I are on a fun free eating plan so all the things we are talking about, are things we are not allowed to have and didn’t crave at all until Monique brought it up. Please let note that even thought she is our friend as well, she is also our dietitian. The Nazi food princess that has been telling us what we can and cannot stuff in our faces and believe me, Frau Chin only wants to hear one click!

Temptations

So for two or three weeks Paul and I have been very good on this eating plan (which is a nice way of saying eat nothing yummy). We have not been lead down the path of the Devils Temptation. But last night, the very woman who is causing us to not suckle on the teet of Nestle or Cadbury or Lindor or anything nice for that matter, is telling us all about cheesecake and all kinds of yummies.  By about 10, I said that I could really do with some cake now. Next moment Monique jumped up and said “lets go! My treat!”

Toilet Rolls

I was confused. Was this some kind of Nazi test to see if my will power can actually handle the pressure? Was she going to escort me to a room lined with treats and everytime I want to touch something I get shocked? I expected the worst! And then she again said that we should go. We were going to town for cake. So like a puppy that walks a step behind his owner and tail between the legs while every now and again giving a droopy eyed sideward glance upwards, waiting for the news paper to come down on his ass, I followed her to her car. Paul and I got in and she planned then to take us to ‘Hudsons” in Claremont as they apparently make the best milkshakes.

Out House

On the way there we drove past the Portea Hotel in Town and it is called Fire and Ice. So Monique tells us how it such a stunning hotel and how we have to go there one day. Well Hudsons was closed and we needed somewhere else to go, so from Claremont we are going to back to Town. But during all of this we have been taken on a round trip, through Bishops Court. Stunning area where only the richest of the rich can stay. One day I will have a mansion there. It really is a stunning area.

We get back to town and park in front of the Hotel. Stinking of fire smoke (Cuz we had made a fire at home and just killed it before we went out) we are pretending to be very exclusive while mincing to the bar. Now I had never been in a hotel before. Been to many B&B’s but never a Hotel. Never even went in for a drink. So smelling of smoke but looking fab we order milkshakes. Monigue orders a ferrero rocher milkshake. Paul a chocolate brownie one and myself a Lindt chocolate one. Paul and I also went half-half as it was a half a liter glass.

Stage Fright

While we wait we go to the bathrooms. OMGess. They have a few bathrooms or rather WC’s and each one is themed differently. The First one is labeled ‘Temptation’ and there is this big ass painting of a stunning naked man on the wall with a real towel over his penis. Of course being me I pull the towel aside and so does Paul. Behind it, where the mans penis should be is a gray square with a little fake alarm that goes mal until you put the towel back. The next loo is called toilet rolls. On the one wall is just toilet roll holders. The one after that is called cottage or out house or something like that and it is so cute inside. Very cottage like. The one after that is called Stage fright.  And here it looks like you are on stage with lights and mirrors and an audience. The last is littled Long Drop and it looks like a construction site long drop. But it was all so out of the box and stuning.

Long Drop

The smoking room is called the coughinroom. This is a very cute play on words cuz you sit on white coffins. The table is a black coffin. If you look up it looks like you are looking out of an open grave. This is because the ceiling has been painted to look like the opening of a grave hole with friends family and a priest standing looking “in”. The cigarette dispenser is made to look like a gravestone. It was so great to sit in this themed hotel. You must all go there.

Mwah!!

 

 

Help Without Expectation

Is this really still true in today's society?

Very often in life we come across people that either by choice ask for our help or we just realize that we need to give a helping hand to that person. This however can really bite us in the ass, and I don’t mean in a nice foreplay kinda way. I mean sometimes we do so much for someone only to be kicked in the balls. So often in the almost 4 years that Paul and I have been together have we tried to help people. And by help I don’t mean that we offer them a lift or lend a R100 or small trivial things like that. By help I mean that we go far out of our way to help some or other person to achieve whatever it is that they want to achieve.  And I cannot even categorize and say that it is only men or only women. Oh no it’s humans. You help someone and then they stab you in the back.

A friend of mine one day told me a story about how her and her husband also helped some women and eventually this women just about destroyed their entire lives. Cindy ended her story by telling me “No good deed goes unpunished Zeo.” A bold statement to make but it seems that it is a true one. Well up until a few months or so ago when I met someone who was of a different opinion and kind of explained it to me.  This is the one that we discussed last year. For those that have been reading the blog since then, you will remember on the 14^th of July 2011 we had this discussion.

I want to however talk about this again. Since that time Paul and I have carried on helping people. Yes it’s like we are just suckers for punishment. And people seem to just to know that they can come to us and we will help and somehow it is ok if they then take us for granted. So I am  getting to the point that I am agreeing with Cindy. We help, help, help and then a month or two or three later we get kicked so hard in the crotch that we that we can feel the lumps in our throats.  And every time we say: “This is the last time we are doing this”

You know its not that we want to be praised and made out to be the saviors. Not at all. A small thank you however, has the ability to go a long way. I am also at the point know where I am ok with people talking kak about me and trying to take me for a doos but if you think you are going to do it to Paul and you think you are going to get away with it, well think again buddy. When it comes to my Paul I become like a lioness that will rip anyone to pieces. Paul is like the king lion. He has the beautiful mane and he just is by far the calmer one of the us.

Back to the point though. This is starting to create an issue for us where we don’t really want to trust anyone anymore.  And it’s not so much that we don’t want to but we have been through so fucking much. From being lied to, to being stolen from, to our house being in a fucking state! So now we are skeptical. There are a few people here and there that we are more than willing to help with whatever they need, but these are few and far between. These people we do help without having expectations or conditions.

What we have tried to remember though, is that people will come into your life for different reasons. Once your roads are done then that person will leave.  We have also learned not to make an issue out of such things as that very much perpetuate the issue and turn them into horrible arguements. Yes we get hurt. But are we not in fact signing up for hurt with every person that we allow in our lives? Every positive has an already existing negative and so for every nice person in your life there already exists an equal negative. We allow the nice so maybe we should also just allow the, not so nice. Who knows maybe having that as the only expectation or condition will somehow ease us and our lives for when moments like these hit us. 

Mwah!!

Where did she come from?

So after being sick for a number of days I am kinda back on track. Fuck I hate having a cold fever. I normally in winter sleep under a sheet and one thin duvet in my boxers. I get hot very quickly and don’t get cold easily. From Sunday to last night I have been sleeping in leggings, a vest, full tracksuit and a jersey under four blankets and still I am cold. It was terrible. Like getting cold from the inside out, if that makes sense. The weird thing is that Saturday night we went to go watch Pope Joan at a friends house. Mel who is also a Reiki Master. She gave me one look and asked me if I was getting sick. I very proudly said no, cuz I really didn’t feel sick at all. Sunday morning I was like Germany. One minute no wall next minute divided.  Fine one minute……….then……….fucked sick. Could not even stand. Was way too dizzy. Anyway that is not what this blog entry is supposed to be about. But you should all know by now that I do ramble.  So lets go back to Saturday.

Saturday we went to the IBDD (International Belly Dance Day) where my wonderful Paul was simply amazing on stage and he made a good name for his belly dancing studio. For those interested please contact Paul as he s a very wonderfully excellent belly dance teacher.

Anyway so after that we had to go to Canal Walk to sort out some stuff.  So Paul, Edward, Hobbit and myself are off to Canal Walk. I am as per normal dressed as if I am part of some form of experiment but feeling good about myself. Dressed in black and brown with lace and rings and al too gothic.

Paul and Edward decide that they cannot keep up with Hobbit and myself when we shop so we split up.  Standing in @Home, which is one of my favourite shops, Hobbit says she wants to buy me a gift. So over the moon me start to run around in the shop looking at everything and thinking what would look best where in the house.  It is at that point that Hobbits rational mind, for the first time in a long time, clicked in and she said: “that’s it. Lets go to Foschini” My face dropped, my heart sank and I said my long farewells to the most beautiful toilet roll holder, of which they only had one.

Walking out the shop I ask her why we going there and she said, still in her rational and logical state (which by the way is very rare for her) “If I buy you something from @Home it is going to be for the house and not for you and on any other day that would be fine, but not today. Today I want to buy something for you only.” So now my mind is racing as to what makes today so different. Anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, some Muslim or Jewish or other spiritual holiday (with Hobbit anything is possible) and I cannot find a single reason why Saturday the 12^th could possibly be important. So I give up and ask her. She responded with the following “Tomorrow is mothers day” Quickly I check to see exactly how big my man boobs are by now and wonder what I have spawned this time “and even though you are not my mother you are the founder of the Tradition and as such you are our mother and father. I want to do something for you cuz you have no idea how much you mean to me and how much you have done for me.” Well I was almost in tears. Almost but I was wearing eyeliner and mascara and couldn’t let it run over my face. So she bought me this stunning black over the shoulder throw with a fake fur collar. Stunning for the Opera.

We then went to Mug and Bean. Paul and Edward met us there and Hobbit decided that she wants to do a round of coffee for us all. Which she did. But now here lies the actual event that I want to write about. But before I do that, I want to take you about 10 years back.

I was dating a girl, cant remember her name and she used to tell me that I am so sexy and that I am really a unique individual. I never believed her and said that “One day if a complete stranger tells me these things I might believe it” And so I went through life. Always saying the same thing. Even when Paul compliments me, I say thank you, but come on he is my Fiancé. So he is biased. No one random person has ever said anything nice to me. As in to my face. I get hate mail, bwhahahahahahaha. Seriously, Apparently I am unapproachable, or some such bullshit.

Ok so we are having coffee at Mug and Bean in Canal Walk and suddenly this woman, well elderly lady, who looks like she just came from a Dutch Reformed Church meeting walks to our table. She had the floral blazer, pleated skirt, the works. You know the kind of Afrikaans lady that normally looks at me and then mumbles “Satan” She stood next to Edward, opposite me, looked me in the face and then said (I am translating her Afrikaans to English) “I just have to tell you that you are beautiful. And what you are wearing is simply stunning.  And you wear it with such grace and personality. You are stunning and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You stand, head and shoulders, above all these other people here. I love it. I just had to tell you that you are beautiful. It makes me so happy” and then she was gone. We all saw her and she left. Just like that. I went blood red. Blushing like you cannot believe it. It was like an FNB advert “where did she come from?” I still don’t know what made her do that. I still don’t know who she is. Maybe she was just a messenger. Who knows? What I do know is that it made me feel so good and so pretty and special and I was glowing the entire day because of it. That and maybe I should start listening to Paul when he says nice things to me.

Mwah!!

Hate mail from Sam Smith who lives in JHB

last I checked he uses this veve as a pf pic

So I receive this message on the weekend from some really sad soul. I said in the beginning, when I started my blog that if I get hate mail I am simply going to post it here so we can all have our say about it. So here it is people, my first hate mail for this year. It was sent to me by a person by the name of Sam Smith. Below find the Facebook link to his Facebook page. You are all more than welcome to chat to this gentleman. https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003058821986

His messages to me were as follows

1.

“Hi Zeo,
Let me introduce myself. You can call me Carnal Karma, and I am first and foremost son, servant and warrior to Mother Lilith. Yet my services sometime extend to other gods. Lately Kali has asked my help to rectify a few inbalances against her name. And Martin Frost aka Zeo was a name that caused a lot of irritation to Her. Apparantly this 'Zeo' has caused Her name great disgrace and stolen countless magickal property and ideas. Zeo is a prominent figure in LHP movement in SA but he is a fraud and dare I say 'false prophet' (although he has no real power and only misleads fools and social outcasts who have no real purpose). I hope for your sake I'm wrong but I get the idea you claim Kali as your gaurdian? If this is true you need to make a few serious decisions because you have been noticed. And the powers, especially Kali are not pleased. She is mercifull though and offers you the following: expose yourself as a fraud and return all you have stolen (you should know what these stolen things are because I'm unclear on what exactly you stole)

My human will give you the following advice, one human to another. Stop your deceit and live your life. The occult is not meant for your kind. Turning a place's name is no name for a group or any occult practices. Destroy anything in your possesion connected or depicting Kali. And on a lighter note only absolute pretentious douche bags wear New rocks! Hahahahaha, dude I thought you were gay and gay people should have fashion sense. I think you might need to reconsider your image but to each his own.

So I wish you the best friend! Even though I don't respect you in the least from what I heard everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe you can start a new hobby like knitting or scrapbooking to fill the void if you make the wise decision but we will see.

Regards from Kali, Lilith and accumulated karma”

What caught my eye here was that for someone that apparently knows so much about me he doesn’t even know my full names. 

I also cannot help but notice how he claims that I am a fraud and I only lead fools and social outcasts who have no real purpose. He is taking on a lot of people by that statement.Good luck to you for that statement....friend.

As for my “image” as he puts it, thankfully I have never cared what people think about how I look. Why would the opinion of one very sad individual matter to me now.

On the accusations of theft, I hope he can back this up in the court of Law.

As for speaking on behalf of a certain Deity('s). Please can someone phone Oprah. This man needs to go on there. If he is the voice of the Goddess on Earth then I daresay that we as Pagan folk have a Pope and so many terrible things can be rectified if we just allow this boy to speak his mind. All hail the Pope of Paganism. Pope Sam Smith.

2.

“Hey friend,

Sorry to bother again, but just had my sunday meditations (decided sunday will my serious study and workings,hahaha, seeing as the day was hijacked) Anyway on a serious note I during meditation pressure was put on me to get an answer from you. Sorry I thought you had more time but I'm dealing with some impatient energies. Hope to hear from you soon.”

Clearly the Pope does not need to worry about grammar.I just copied and pasted both his letters. Made spelling or grammar corrections.

So I have not responded to him and I don’t think I am going to. I see no point. I am not going to block him, as he should be able to get this link and read this blog. Also if he continues his empty threats and allegations, well then I would like to have record of it to take him court. I have no time for little boys who has nothing better to do than try to start witch wars based on lies that they thought up while masturbating.

So have fun all. Enjoy your day!

Mwah!

How do you like your eggs?

So many of friends and random people that I know are currently struggling with the concept of finding themselves. No hang not the concept of it, rather they are in the process of finding themselves.

To all of you, I know what you are going through. I went through it at age 25. I got divorced, discovered I was gay, my mom passed away and I lost my house and just about everything in it. I had built up debt to teh point of mountains just to survive. I was lost, like a fart in a perfume factory.

I asked a wonderful woman by the name of Lindie Tuck and her Fiance (then Boyfriend) to move into the house with me. The first Saturday morning Lindie knocks on my bedroom door. She says that she is making breakfast, how do I like my eggs? Without a single hesitation I said “(ex wife’s name) likes them sunny side up” Lindie looked at me and said “That’s nice” or it may have been more like “Well fuck what she likes, how do you like it?” I remember the blank stare I gave her. I had no idea how I liked my eggs. 

It is only then that I realized the number that my ex pulled on me. Just about everything that I liked or ate or did was a reflection of what and how she used to like, eat and do. I was angry at her then. My one friend and mentor told me that my life being in chaos was just perfect because from the chaos I could rebuild to order. I nearly told her to go fuck herself. But she was right.

Another mentor and friend also made me aware of the fact that my ex wife was my biggest teacher ever. She taught me what exactly I didn’t want from life in order for me to pursue that which I want. For a long time I lived off kak. I drank way too much. I destroyed my Temple area and pushed everyone away. I became a bit of a slut. 

It is now 5 years later. I am still not on top of my game. I still have a few issues due to my 6years and 2 months relationship. But I am working on it and I have made huge bounds and leaps and I hope that I will continue on this journey for a very long time as it is a very exciting journey. The Journey of self discovery is really fucking scary but I promise you it is the best one you will ever go on. It is difficult and very time consuming and you cannot lie to yourself cuz then you make it all the more painful and longer. But if I look back now to what all I have accomplished in these 5 years……wow!! I actually don’t know how I did it, but I am doing it. Of course you will have support from those that love you, as long as you don’t push them away.

What helped me tremendously was the realizing, truly realizing that I could die any minute and that nothing in this universe is for certain. Everything is what you make it and not to take anything for granted. Dealing with death taught me that. I have a house now filled with stuff, I have gained knowledge and by applying it I have now gained wisdom. Granted yes I also gained a few extra pounds but so what! I am more fabulous than ever. I am not telling you all of this to brag or be like “ooh look at me” but I am hoping it will give you hope. Maybe even inspire you. Be a light for you.

Mwah!!

P.S. Oh by the way. I like my eggs over easy!

Communicate!!

You know if I have said it once then I must have said it a thousand times. 

Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship. Well communication and compromisation. The two go hand in hand. *Sings in head* 'You can't have one without the other. Lova and marriage' *snaps back to reality* Sorry I just had to get that off of my chest first.

Hi, how are you today?

Me? Oh I am wonderful thank you. Had a few issues yesterday but it was all sorted out last night and now things are good again. What is new with you?

If you are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me, let me explain. I asked you how you are. You then answer and I carried on with the conversation. I can see you are confused. Probably thinking to yourself that I have now finally, completely lost all of my fucking marbles. However what I want you to do is, just to yourself, answer those two simple questions as truthfully as possible. You see the point to this little exercise here is to be truthful about how you are when asked. 

How many people greet you during the day? To how many of them do you say “I am well and you?” or “I am doing great and yourself?” or some such bullshit? Even on days when you hate yourself or days when everything seems to fall to shit.

Sometimes however, we are completely honest about how we are and the person to which you are explaining kind of just cuts you off  and says something like “That’s nice” and then carries on with whatever they wanted to say. Yes I know you know all of this so let me get to my point.

It saddens me to think that we as a species have become so empty and hollow that even in a simple question like “How are you” we (1) cannot answer it truthfully or (2) no one really cares in anyway how you are even when you give them an honest answer. 

How often have you been at a braai or party or whatever. Then someone walks in that you all know and your friend on your side tell you something like “please just don’t ask them how they are. You will never hear the end of it”. That to me is honestly the best approach. Not the saying of something like that behind someone’s back. I am a firm believer in ‘if you can say it behind someone’s back then have the balls to say it to their face’ . But I believe in the fact that if you really don’t care how someone is doing, then don’t fucking ask. And if how you are doing has nothing to do with them either, then if they should ask you first “How are you?”, just say “I am well thank you”. That way you are being polite and not opening a door by asking them the question in return.

But if you are gonna ask someone how they are doing then be prepared to listen to how it is really going with that person. And don’t then let your mind wonder or interrupt the person. You asked!! So you better fucking listen and be interested in that persons life. We live in an age where everyone is rushed and we don’t take time out for our fellow humans anymore, let alone our animals or plants (but that is a whole new blog), being sincere about how you or someone else is, is the least that you can do.

Mwah!!

Movie Power

I am busy reading a book called ‘Reel Fulfillment’ . Its about transforming your life through the ability to watch movies. I Love watching movies and that is why I decided to read this book.  It consists of lessons that you learn from watching or rather becoming part of the movie and then there are exercises that you have to complete as well. I have not done any of it, just reading the book at this point. I actually don’t have time to do the rest.

But all of this made me think again about a post that I made many years ago on DeviantArt. (For those unenlightened among us, this is a website where you have like a mini blog) In it I spoke about the one ring that rules them all. No I realize that now all the gay boys are getting excited. So let me explain first. Tolkien tells us about a ring that is so powerful that it can conquer all. That it can consume its owner. Take away all rational thought. I mean look at Golem.

He tell us that this ring cannot be destroyed unless it is in the heart of the mountain where it was created. This ring has the ability to change people and to bend people to its will. All of this has a very familiar sound to it. Sounds almost like that small four letter word called ‘Love”.  What if Tolkien was telling us about love? What if the books he wrote was about the effects of love on people or the effects that a love gone sour has on people. I am not saying that I am correct or that, that  is what  it was supposed to be. I am just giving my opinion and as Mel said to me last night “you are entitled to your opinion”.

What then are all of these movies that we watch really about? Do you think that the writer just sits down and starts writing a story or maybe he plots the psychology of the story first and then writes something to go with that theme. Do these creators really just write movies to make money or do they do it to really help the people that will be watching it? Do they plan for these movies to be therapeutic?

Why is it that we get so into it and so emotional when watching these movies? Because we are faced with issues that we ourselves face in our own lives but this time round you are a spectator. You don’t have to take responsibility for anything that happens and because the situation is so close to your own heart you can give sympathy, empathy, understanding and even tears to characters that are experiencing the same things that you are struggling with in your life. What ‘Reel Fulfillment’ does is to help you see that you are watching a movie about yourself really and the same way you are helping the character in the movie to deal with their issues, should you now help yourself. But there are specific movies that you have to watch based on different issues.

To me Lord of the Rings would most certainly have to do with the ability to deal and face a relationship that has turned into a relationshit.

Mwah!