Klere Koop Saam Zeo

So kom die dag dan nou toe ook wat ek klere moet koop vir werk. Ja button up shirts en sulke meer corporate goetters. Kan jy dit glo. Vir die wat my nou nie ken nie, laat ek net verduidelik. Ek word omtrent nooit gesien in enige iets wat net vaag weg ‘n suite resemble nie.

Paul is mal oor daai look. Dis wat hy dra en dit werk rerig vir hom. Hy lyk baie sexy in sulk klere, maar vir my persoonlik is dit boring klere. Mense wat nie colours kan match nie en wat nie kunstig is nie, dra dit. Dis net my opienie en julle hoef nie saam te stem. Ook gaan ek jou nie haat oor jy daardie klere dra nie. Baie mense wat ek ken dra dit, en nou ek ook.

So besluit ons dan nou om Maandag aand wat verby is klere te gaan koop. Sommer daar in my Hemel, ja Canal Walk, waar my saligmaker my bank kaart is. Dan weer hy kan ook partykeer die duiwel van self wees. Maandag was so kombinasie van die twee. Alhoewel ek mal is oor shop is ek nie mal oor boring klere shop nie. Dus die verwarring met die bank kaart se naam. Plasticus Christos of Brokezebank. Maar in geval Plasticus Christos ‘n Judas op my trek en in Brokezebank in verander het ek ook my trusty TFG kaart by my.

So vaar ons winkel na winkel in op soek na 'n broekkie en hempie. Iets wat sal werk vir die corporate wêreld. Maar nou, ek is ‘n groot ou (Paul!....focus!). Ek is 1.8 meter lank en weeg amper 130kg (nie iets waar op ek trots is nie, maar ek se maar net.) Ek dra ‘n 36 denim. Vind jy nou op die Godin se groen aarde ‘n swart broek in 36 en dan wen jy sommer ook 'n vokken Toyota.

Hulle het teering rot size (dis nou n 28) en dan het hulle nice body (32) en dan Holy Fucqing Crap (dis nou n size 44).  44, weet jy hoe vokken groot is dit? EK het niks teen groot mense nie, glad nie. Het baie groot vriende, maar as jy ‘n broek so aankyk, dan kom jy agter hoe groot is 'n 44. En ek weet nie van ander mense nie, maar ek sien nie my vriende as groot nie. Hulle is amazing mense wat ek dag in en uit mee kan gesels. Maar terug na die storie.

Teering Rot

Daar sien ek toe iets wat my rerig amper in my broek laat stoelgang (Dankie Lynn-Miri). Daar is n broek in size 27. Ja in die groot mens afdeling van die mans klere. Ek kon my vokken oë nie glo nie. ‘n 27. Weet jy hoe uit geteer ‘n 27 is? Dis ‘n teering Sprinkaan (Dankie Denise), vok dis Angelina Jolie. As jy ‘n 27 is, eet net vokken iets asseblief, ‘n toebroodtjie, enige iets, maar vokken eet net.

Ek gaan nou vir n oomblik hier vulgar wees. Dit betekin ek gaan bar, ombeskof en onder die belt wees. ‘n 27. As ek mos dit in die hande moet kry, dan breek ek sy pelvis, rugraat en kakebeen.

Right, eventually toe besluit ek dat ek nooit ‘n broek gaan kry nie en dat ek nou maar net n hemp gaan soek.  Nou vir die van julle wat nou nog nooit (mense soos ek) regte werks hemde gekoop het nie, dis moer confusing. Daar is twee nommertjies op die hemp, net so onder die kraag. En nie een van hulle het enige iets te doen met s / m / l / xl nie. Nee dis nommers soos in wiskunde. Ja mens het nou deesdae n bliksemse graad nodig om ‘n hemp te kan koop. Ek weet nou nog watter nommer beteken wat nie.  Hoe de moer moet ek dit weet. Dis nie asof enige iemand dit verduidelik nie. Daar is nie instruksies nie en probeer jy ‘n winkel assistant kry in die land wat 1, sy werk geniet en 2, actually praat sodat dit nie klink asof hy besig is om in sy mond op te gooi nie.  Nou wat doen jy? Old school.

Paul meet die hemde se arms gate teen my rug en ons sien of dit gaan pas.

Ek haal so pers nommer van die rak af, mooi kleur. Dink dit lyk so bietjie groot en ek sien Paul lyk so effe benoud. So asof hy by homself dink “As daai hemp jou pas, dan sky ek jou vet gat”. Paul meet die hemp teen my en God se waarheid dit vou so om my lyfie. Ek het lanklaas so maer gevoel. Ek voel skoons of ek nou op ‘n ramp kan gaan stap.

Natuurlik dit het nie my Pitagoras hemp nommer probleem op gelos nie. So gaan ons maar van hemp na hemp en soek iets wat lyk of dit okay gaan wees. Ek dink natuurlik dit lyk soos ‘n een man tent, maar Paul probeer hard om my gerus te stel. Ek gaan daarna, na die pas kamer toe.

Hulle is besig om Edgars oor te doen en die pas kamers is nou klaar, Dit het so 70’s retro vibe. Dis nice. Heilige Gees maar dis groot. Hoeveel spasie het mens nou rerig nodig om n hemp en of broek aan te pas? Dis so groot soos my vokken badkamer. Die hele cast van BelAmi kan hulle volgende movie daar skiet. (kom ons kyk wie gaan daai reference kry).

Dis ek op die stadium, maar watch this space.

Ek het toe ook eventually 3 hemde gekry. Kannie glo hoe duur so 'n boring stuk lap is nie, maar ok. Ek moet dit mos nou he, so wat kan man maak. Gelukkig was die skoenne koop maklik gewees. As daar mos nou een iets is wat ek ken, dan is dit skoenne koop. Het ook my eerste rooi paar skoenne gekoop. Hoer rooi. Ek love dit! Stunning!

Wel die einde van die storie kom neer dat ek lyk nou nie meer soos iets wat deel is van ‘n proef, vir werk nie. Maar die trauma was amper net te veel vir my. Die punt is, julle vroue het dit soveel makliker as mans. Julle het ‘n verskeidenheid van dinge wat julle kan dra. Rok of Romp of Broek of Leggings en amper alles is aanvaarbaar vir werk. Volgende keer as jy wat vrou is kla oor klere koop, dink aan jou arme man wat dalk ‘n 36 broek dra. Want geen vokken winkel het daai size nie. Ek het eventually een gekry, maar ek gaan nie se waar nie. Dan verloor ek my enigste plek om ‘n broek te koop.So nice is ek nogal nie.

Lekker koop.

xxx

Wedding Planner

Three things, all of you know about me by now.

1 That I am a poof. That means I am gay

2 That I am a Pagan

3 That I recently (on the 13^th of July 2013) got married

So keeping that in mind I want to tell you a little about arranging our magickal day. The planning wasn’t at all as easy as what it might have seemed. This entry is not so much about our wedding as what it is about when it comes to planning a wedding in general. But especially planning a wedding while keeping point 1 and 2 in mind.

You might think that 1 and 2 is not needed to be kept in mind but let me just tell you. They are important.

Every step, everyone that you hire, every venue that you visit, everything will be impacted by these details. Our wedding (or Handfasting as it is called in Paganism) and reception was both held at the same venue.  A beautiful hall in Milnerton. The dance floor steps down from the rest of the hall in a kind of oval shape. The ceremony was held on the dance floor and after that the floor was cleared for the dancing. Beautiful drapes and fairy lights adorned the pillars. The ceremony was openly Pagan and a blind man could see the just about pornographic gay statue on the altar, oh not to mention the two Grooms.

I am telling you this all for a reason. You have to understand that the caterer, as well as the cash bar and the DJ had to set up before the time so that they do not interrupt the ceremony. The wedding started at 17:00. Guests started to arrive by 16:00 (some a little earlier even). The caterer, bar and DJ had to be set up by the time that the guests arrived. Thankfully this was all done successfully. The catering staff, bar staff and DJ was thus going to be there for the ceremony as well. Not to mention the photographer and video camera person.

Everyone we hired had to be aware of the fact that this was a gay Pagan wedding. Not because we are over the top screaming queens, but for practical reasons.  Now thankfully we had no issue at all with any of this but can you imagine your caterer shows up and the in mid ceremony realizes what is going on. Let’s say your caterer is a serious Bible basher. Can you imagine the scene that will be caused. I imagine it to be something like this.

Caterer: This is so beautiful. (just realize that the caterer is standing on side just observing and obviously talking while the Priestess is doing her thing to the lovely couple)

Priestess: We are here to join these to souls together.

Caterer: Sjoe the Bride looks butch,, lets not judge.

Priestess: We your friends and family are here to witness your vows.

Caterer: Weird that they both wearing the same suit kind of thing, let not judge

Priestess: John and David do you come here out……

Caterer: SODOM, GEMORA!!! (at this point she whips out a bible and screams)

Can you imagine the scene. You have to inform the people that you will be working with on your BIG day about what they should and can expect. You don’t want scene’s that could have been avoided. Rather struggle to find the correct bar, that will be sensitive to all of your needs, instead of having a freak out at your wedding. Can you imagine the Bartender is a homophobe and just refuses to serve the happy couple because he thinks that handing them a drink will make him catch the gay virus and turn him. Or worse, they pack up and leave because they are offended by your ways.

Again, thankfully none of that happened to us. We had the most amazing crew on the day that made everything perfect.

For us the BIG disaster happened two weeks before the wedding when someone broke into our home and stole our wedding rings (among other things). We re-ordered our rings, but they were not in time for the wedding. Yes we were crushed, devastated, broken, but it was important to remember that even though the rings were beautiful, they were but a small part of the day. We used other rings for the day and in the mean time our rings have arrived again. We exchanged rings in a Full Moon ritual on Monday night.

When the poop does strike the fan with regards to your wedding planning, just try to remember that freaking out won’t solve it. Planning the wedding (that is if you are not using  planner) is supposed to be fun and a time of bonding for you and your partner. Paul and I did everything together. All the choices were made by the both of us and everything to do with the wedding was because both of us wanted it to that way.

Okay I am going to admit that I did have professional help. About a year or two before we got married I bought a book on how to plan a gay wedding. I read this book cover to cover. A lot of the advise I didn’t use and some I did, but it helped us. Mel can vouch for me when I say the book is full of post-it’s, to remind me of things. The book is ‘A Very Pink Wedding’ by Nicola Hill

Paul jokes (sometimes I am not so sure if he is joking) and tells people that they should rather elope, as it is easier than planning a wedding. He asked me in the week if I would do it again if we had a choice. Naturally my response was “yes I would do it again” as stressing and time consuming as what it was, I would do it again. It was a wedding straight out of a Disney movie.

xxx