Fashion Trends

“A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over the garbage can and says 'That's Punk?', and I say 'No, that's trend!'”                        -Billie Joe Armstrong-

For as long as what I can remember I have been fascinated by fashion. Maybe, before we continue, I should define it to you. I do not see fashion as the latest trends. Whatever you are currently wearing right now, is your personal fashion.

Understand also please that I have never followed main steam fashion. I have always been a little………I suppose the term would be weird or odd.

I have recently been asked by two people (one of whom is writing a piece on me for a blog) to define my ‘unique’ fashion sense. I have been asked if I am a Drag Queen. In today’s blog we are going to look at the fashion that is Zeo!!

As a child I wanted to be many things when I grow up one day and when in my final year of high school I settled on being a fashion designer. This never happened. I pursued a study in Paganism instead. I have however always remained true to my own very unique style. I soon after school entered the Goth community where my freedom to express myself grew bigger. You see in the Goth community you can pretty much wear what ever the fucq you want to. Seeing a boy in a skirt is not abnormal and does not mean he is gay at all. It simply means that he is comfortable wearing that at that time.

That was the most important lesson that the community taught me. Wear whatever you are comfortable in. It doesn’t matter if the shops label that skirt as a female item of clothing. If you are comfortable in it, wear it. Realize that the only label you are embracing by wearing what you love, is the label that has your name written on it. That is not a crime, but something to be commended on.

Since I was young I always had an issue that men’s clothing was extremely boring. I hated it. Jeans and T-Shirt, or shirt. And yes the designs on these clothing items might change but essentially you will as a man always wear a boring cut shirt with a pair of boring trousers. Women have so many choices though. I like choice and freedom. It started by me, after school, dressing up in my sisters clothes. She checked me on it once, but I denied it flat out. I was afraid to be labelled gay. I realize now that my love for her clothes had nothing to do with my sexuality, but it had everything to do with my need to express myself as a Purple polka dot box, with lime green stripes, in a world that only embraced brown boxes. In Metric I started giving my mother weird designs for shirts. She only made one. And I had it a long time, but eventually it was tossed out by my ex, cuz she didn’t like it.

Then I started matching clothes up that would never be matched by anyone and again, I didn’t care what the people thought of me. I have to admit, that in the beginning it was nerve racking. Everywhere I went people stared (that still hasn’t changed) and it freaked me out. A friend of mine, at that stage, one day told me that I must stop pretending that I don’t like the attention. I tried to explain to Dawie that I do not dress like this to get attention, I dress like this cuz this is me and to dress any other way would be to rob myself of my own Identity. It didn’t seem to sink in and I think he still thinks that I dress differently, just to get attention.

Today most of clothes are made by the company called Ritual Divine. Yes this company is owned by my fiancé Paul, but it is still his clothing label. When I speak of Paul now, I do not speak of him as my lover or fiancé but as my tailor.

Paul accepts anything that I want to wear. Once he told me he wont make a particular item cuz he thought it would really look crap on me. I begged and he gave in. He made it and after I fitted it, he had to admit that I made it work for me.

I never look at an item of clothing and think what will I look like in it. I look at it and think what can I do with it. 

For me the key is to be comfortable in what you wear. I go to so many costume parties where people dress up. I just dress with whatever I have in my cupboard, hehehehehehehehe. But halfway through the party people are changing into normal clothing. If you do that, then you should never wear that item to begin with. You should never have the need to change what you are wearing for something else. Yes sometimes you make bad judgement calls and a shirt is to tight or a hat too small and then you have to change, but as you get to learn what your personal fashion label is, you will learn to plan your outfits accordingly.

Like I have a new Wolf Beenie, made from fake furr and I am dying to wear it. Saturday I am going to a birthday braai that will be outside. This means that yes it might be cold enough to wear it, but do I really want it to smell of braai smoke? Think practically and whatever you wear should last the entire night.

Bob Mackie said the following about Cher “She could wear the most complicated piece I could make, and it would be like she is wearing a Jeans and T-Shirt”

Often I get compared to people like Cher and Lady Gaga. Yes I do see this as a HUGE compliment. But I don’t try to be like one of them or any other famous person for that matter.

Lastly, I personally think that I have become some sort of Fashion Icon. If that makes me full of myself and/or conceited, well that’s fine.  People see me in every day clothes that I wear to work and I promise you they cannot even believe that I own a pair of jeans. The secret is…….I don’t, hehehehehehe I wear Paul’s jeans.

So no I am not a drag Queen. I am not an attention seeker. I am not hoping to make an entrance or exit. I don’t actually want people staring and when they do I don’t really give a fucq about what they gossip about. I don’t watch his and hers labels and I don’t mind wearing anything. If you have a design that you wanna make for me, I will try it out.

The only thing I accomplish by dressing like this, I am more in-tune with who I am and living my truth!

Mwah!!

Ending a 12 Year Grudge

The Year was 2001. I was and still am, a huge Nicole Kidman fan. February of that year saw Tom Cruise filing for a divorce from the Lovely Aussie actress. There were and still are so many rumours going about, all talking about Tom being an apparent Homosexual. Whether or not this is truly the case or closet, only he will truly know. What we do know for a fact is that everyone that has claimed that he is gay has been sued by Toms lawyer. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blog. Just some food for thought.

Nicole admitted that she still loved Tom. But I, even though I loved Tom as the Vampire Lestat, was a far bigger Kidman fan than what I was a Cruise fan. Nicole and I had walked many years together already and I wasn’t about to just abandon her in her hour of pain and sorrow. I was going to see it through and help her where ever I could.

Now before I carry on, I have to explain something to you all. I am a Scorpio. Born on the 19^th of November. Not only am I a Scorpio, but I am about as Scorpio as what it gets. What this means is that yes I am passionate, yes I love to love and lust, yes I have drive and motivation and once I get going I am like a non stop steam roller to get to the end result, but …… I can also get angry like a Scorpio. And when it comes to holding a grudge……..oh boy, I can hold a grudge like it is no one’s business. Because I have a Virgo rising, I can hold a grudge with extreme precision. I can tell you exactly what you did to piss me off, and when you did it, to the time of day in the month and year. And of course, I can plot revenge.

So in the First Degree class we are talking about letting go and no longer holding on to grudges and hate. Things that might stop you from moving forward, you know. Me being the teacher and all that, I have to set an example. So I am publicly going to let go of the oldest grudge that I have. Now back to my story.

My friend Nicole Kidman

The day that Tom and Nicole separated,  I made a solemn vow to Nicole. I said to her:

“Nicole, I will never support that man again. I will never go to see any of his movies. I will not rent them either. I refuse for him to make even one South African Rand out of me. I will however carry on supporting you Nicole.”

She was so grateful and understanding and because back then I was still straight, she was all over me. I had to explain to her that we are just friends and that I cannot be a rebound for her. Luckily she understood that and when I was certain that she did, I had my way with her. It was a passionate night! One I will remember forever. Thank you Nicole…………Hehehehehehehehehe……..

Anyway. It is now twelve years later and I decided that maybe I should let go of this grudge. Maybe I should just accept Tom for the person that he is. Couch jumping and all. Look I wont be inviting him over or anything like that. My couches were expensive and I don’t have the means to just replace it if he jumps through one of them.

Oprah is all like: "Get the fucq off ma couch, crazy white boy"

But I can at least let go of the resentment and anger and bitterness I feel towards him.  Which will allow me to move on with my life as well. After all I didn’t hate him because he is a bad actor or anything like that. It was purely an act of loyalty towards a friend of mine. And she did the same for me. When my ex wife and I split up, Nicole was all like:

“Don’t worry my friend, I wont ever support her at all. I won’t have anything to do with her. She is dead to me”

Cuz that is what friends do for each other.

After twelve years Tom, I am finally letting go. You are free man and you are welcome to whatever fame comes your way. It is time for me to move on from this bitter grudge and carry on with live. Well that and there is a movie coming out with you in it and it really looks good. I am so gonna go see it. But it is only because I am the better man here. As I told the First Degree’s, sometimes someone just has to step up and be the Hero! Well that and I have my new grudge, Snow White aka Candy!! Slut!!

Have an awesome, forgiving Valentines day everyone!

Mwah!

My First Male Celebrity Crush

It was the summer of 2001. We (myself and a few friends) were going to go visit a friend of ours in Hermanus for the new years. Naomi got her dad’s car, an old box Toyota Carola and we set off on our road trip. In the car was myself and Naomi, our friend Dawie and my sort-of girlfriend Chantell. Around the Mountain on Sir Lowrey’s Pass we drive until we get to Yvonne’s house in Hermanus.

Yvonne is my friend Quentin’s father’s cousin. It’s complicated!

At Yvonne’s house two things happened. Well actually just one cuz the other thing was always on going. So we had fun no matter what we did and the on going thing was that we drank…………everything we could find.

His First CD

Well you see it all started the previous night or rather the afternoon that we arrived. One of the things we do best at Yvonne’s house is to listen to music while playing the card game UNO! We do however play UNO with a slight twist. We don’t really play for points as the rules suggest. The winner of each round gets to make a rule that lasts for three rounds. Should anyone not comply with the rule you have to down a glass that is in the middle of the table or floor, depending on where you end up. This glass contains a mixture of whatever everyone is drinking. As you can imagine this can become quite…………entertaining.

It is also that year that Josh Groban came out with his first CD. This detail is very important. So we started playing UNO. Yvonne had just bought the Josh Groban CD and it was playing, while the CD cover was lying in front of me. So I did what every person would do. I looked through the booklet that comes with the CD.

The evening went on and I kept on looking at the CD cover. I kept on seeing Josh’s face and thinking that he is so sexy. But please pay attention to the fact that I was proudly straight back then and somewhat homophobic.

The entire night I kept on looking at Josh and really he was just so sexy. I was getting worried. I am not supposed to have gay thoughts. I am not supposed to like men. My brother had teased me endlessly about how being gay is fucqed up and I could not admit to being that, gay and fucqed-up. So I did what any straight man would do. I simply suppressed it and in my mind I blamed it on all the drinking.

Yvonne

As I am writing this now, I have to wonder what life would have been like if I had admitted it there. Yvonne is old enough to be my mom and we could always talk to her about everything. I wonder what would have happened if I went to her the next day and told her about what I though of Josh Groban and what it meant and what to do now.

The next day I was confident that it was going to be an awesome day. We were in Hermanus and visiting Yvonne and we had a day of fun planned. I go to the Kitchen and what do hear playing? Josh Groban. Now I don’t know if Yvonne picked up the previous night that I was practically drooling over Josh, and if she knew, she never admitted it. It is now 12 years later and she still has not admitted anything. Yes we are still friends, even though now she lives far away over the waters in England. I wouldn’t be surprised if Josh was singing so early that morning because she knew. Yvonne is a sneaky bitch and that is something she would do.

So immediately I am reminded about the face that haunted me the entire previous night. What do I do? I decide to test if it was all the drinking or not. I mean not that I have to test, just to see. Like an experiment, a needless one!! Of course it was the drinking. I am a guy. I like women. I am not a stinking queer. (well that was my attitude back then).

It is now 12 years later. Josh Groban’s new CD came out last week. I have it. Paul bought it for me as a Valentine’s gift and because we were together for 4 years and seven months, yesterday, we decided to exchange gifts then. Already listened to it and wow…………..

His new CD

I still stare at each CD cover and I still think that he is just one of the most sexiest men on this planet. There is just something about him, that makes me stare. The difference is, now that I admit to be as gay as you get, I can openly say that I think Josh Groban does something to my non existing ovaries. Or as Shelly would say (She is a Lesbian acquaintance of ours that loves Meryl Streep), he ‘makes my pussy pucker’. Well except Shelly says that about Meryl.

Paul knows, If Josh is in town and by some miracle he wants to spend a night with fat old me,……………….it will be one of the best nights of my life. Bwhahahahahahahaha. I have a the celebrity boyfriend every week on this blog, as you know. And Josh is on that list every year!

So know that you know my first (and still strong) gay, celebrity crush, tell me about yours!! I am not saying Josh is gay by the way, I am saying my gay crush. But hell if Josh is gay,………………………Hi Josh, hope you have an awesome time in South Africa ;)

Mwah!!

The Abode of the Supreme Being

In this blog I will use the gender neutral term God. But by God I mean however you perceive God.

“I tried to find him on the Christian cross, but he was not there; I went to the Temple of the Hindus and to the old pagodas, but I could not find a trace of Him anywhere.

I searched on the mountains and in the valleys but neither in the heights nor in the depths was I able to find Him. I went to the Caaba in Mecca, but He was not there either.

I questioned the scholars and the philosophers, but He was beyond their understanding.

I then looked into my heart and it was there where He dwelled that I saw Him; He was nowhere else to be found”

-Jalaluddin Rumi-

Jalaluddin Rumi

It was in 1993 that I learned this universal truth. Here I am 20 years later and I am teaching this truth to my students. To me this is such a profound wisdom that I decided to share this with all of you as well.

Rumi taught this in the 13^th Century. He said that God (by which ever name you wish to call him) lives within you. We all know this. The churches preach this as well. But the most important thing here is to know that you do not need a church or any religious organization to teach you this. You do not need to be a follower of any path to realize this truth.

You think Rumi had it right about 900 years ago. Check this out.

“--Rama embraces him warmly, declaring that he could never adequately honour or repay Hanuman for the help and services he received from the noble Vanara. Sita, however, insists that Hanuman deserved honour more than anyone else, and Sita gives him a necklace of precious stones adorning her neck.

When he receives it, Hanuman immediately takes it apart, and peers into each stone. Taken aback, many of those present demand to know why he is destroying the precious gift. Hanuman answers that he was looking into the stones to make sure that Rama and Sita are in them, because if they are not, the necklace is of no value to him. At this, a few mock Hanuman, saying his reverence and love for Rama and Sita could not possibly be as deep as he implies. In response, Hanuman tears his chest open, and everyone is stunned to see Rama and Sita literally in his heart.”

The Hinu faith has taught this same truth for thousands of years. This is not a new idea or concept. This older than time almost. But what does this have to with us in our practices of neo-Paganism or for some neo-Wicca?

In Wicca there is a piece of literature that is used by most neo-Pagans as well (at least the ones that I know). It is of course the beautiful ‘Charge of the Goddess’ written by the amazing Doreen Valiente. In the Charge, Doreen writes:

“And thou who thinkest to seek Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not unless thou knowest the mystery; that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, then thou wilt never find it without thee.”

Doreen Valiente

Again we are shown that God lives within us. But this can be elaborated even more.

A good couple of years ago, during my search on more Hindu teachings, I came across a teaching that I thought was extremely profound. One that elaborates the topic I have been talking about here. Then as time passed on, I did what we humans tend to do and I forgot all about it. About two years go I picked up a book that was written by a woman who was tired in her life and needed to rediscover God amongst many other things. She took a year off of life and the second place she went to was India. Yes I am talking about Elizabeth Gilbert’s ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. At the end of her stay in India she too learned this thruth. I read it and was reminded of it. But again as time passed and life happens I completely forgot again.

Last Sunday, Paul and I watched EPL (as it is now called throughout the world) and I was reminded once more of this teaching. I have been telling everyone about it again. Everyone. It is just too profound not to share it.

So far we have looked at the theory of ‘God lives within me’. But this teaching elaborates that and it teaches us the following.

“God lives within me, as me”

Isn’t that just one of the most wonderful things that you can know. When you have accepted your path to find Spiritual enlightenment, you will change along the way. Small changes will happen in you and you might not even be aware of it. But this teaching says that you do not need to actively change who you are to seek out God. Cuz when you seek him/her/it out, you will find God inside of you, as a mirror of you. When I studied my Correllian degrees I got taught a sentence that eventually really sunk in and I have never been able to forget it.

“I am a perfect manifestation of the Divine”

I am not saying that that bad people reflect God. Bad people do not seek to find God on their own personal path. They either do not seek him out or when they do, they rely on institutions and organizations to do it for them. Again I am not saying that people who do not seek out God or who do go to institutions or organizations are bad people. I am simply saying bad people.

Lord Hanuman

Many years ago I spoke to a woman, who on her quest to becoming a leader of a group in Wicca decided that she has to stop smoking, drinking and eating meat. So she gave it all up. I asked her why and she said that her community will look down on her if she doesn’t and then they won't follow her word. I told her that she is talking crap and that she should not have to change who she is to be a good leader and to be faithful to God and that it was her Ego talking. To me it sounded like she just wanted to appear ethereal in an attempt to get people to do what she wants them to do. God does not need for you to change so drastically.

“God dwells within you, as you”

I know that we all know this and that this is nothing new, but to see it like this right in front of you or to hear it from someone that you can relate to…..wow, that is truly profound.

But now let me tell you the negative thing about this teaching, or any teaching for that matter. You can read it a thousand times. You can print it out and stick it on your notice board. You can paste it all over Facebook. But until you truly come to believe and accept it, it will remain empty words. Hollow and meaningless, it will leave you in want. It is when you truly accept it that it, that you can “experience the profound nature of it”, if you will. Let me explain.

One of my students, one day (many years ago) being tired of life said that she no longer thinks that God is anywhere and that she would like to meet God, so she can believe again. I said to her that I can introduce her to God. She was very skeptical of course, who wouldn’t be? So I blindfolded her and led her down the passage. We stopped and when I took the blindfold off, she was looking at her own reflection in a mirror. I said to her that she is God, because God lives within her, through her being. She naturally was not too impressed by me. This student has left the Tradition. We have contact once every six months or so and last I spoke to her she was still looking for answers, still blaming God and still unhappy, waiting for some external force or God to sweep in and fix it.

“God lives within me, as me”

Go think about it!

Mwah!!

Two of the most Amazing people

In my blogs I have gone on and on about how amazing Paul is. I have written blogs that have been inspired by my close friends. Today I have the urge to tell you about two people, whom without my life would not be what it is today. Two people that have the biggest hearts that I know. Two people that have changed my life.

Riaan and Magdalena Joubert. 

created by Ma

Yes the surname looks familiar. That is because these two people are the parents of my wonderful Paul! With parents like them it is no wonder that he is the way that he is.

Most people dread the in-laws. Believe me, I did. I remember when I first met them. I was shaking in my boots. We were living in Edgemead and they came to Cape Town for a visit. By the time that they arrived at our place Paul was in the shower, if memory serves, and I had to open for them. I didn’t want to do it. Well I think it is more a case of I couldn’t. I was so scared. Remember I am the person that was the reason why Paul moved away. They had never met me before. I was shitting myself. I remember calling them Mnr. and Mev. Joubert until his mom said that I should call them by their first names.

Now, about 4 years later, the only problem that I can honestly say that I have with them, is that we don’t see them often enough. Since they live in Bethal we get to see them maybe once a year. And then only for two weeks or so. And yes that is an issue for Paul and myself because we truly do miss them.

Paul is such a perfect mix of both of his parents.

Maggie is this amazingly creative woman who can make anything happen. All she needs is her PC, her sewing machine, and her punches. With that she can conquer the fucqing world I tell you. Dis net tjoef tjaf en tada and you have exactly what you were looking for.

Lets not forget about Daddy-o (that’s what I started calling Riaan). This man has a workshop, the size of my house. In that workshop, he makes Santa look like a fucqing amateur. There is just about nothing that he cannot create!!

But their creativity is not the only thing that makes them so amazing. Let me tell you about these two people.

They have three children, of which Paul is the youngest. Three amazing children. That alone stands testament to how great they are. The fact that their children, in this day and age, are the wonderful people that they are. But I have to remember (because Ma {which is what I call Maggie} constantly tells me) that I am one of her children. I am serious. And she doesn’t say that I am a son in law. Not a fucq, you want me to get the evil eye, then let me say that. No, she says I am her son. How amazing is that.

I am not the easiest person to just accept. I mean I dress like something out of a Tim Burton movie. I swear a lot, and can drink just as much. I generally do and say what I want and I am just not an easy person to always get along with. Because I speak my mind. So keep in mind that I am all of that, plus I am the guy that their son moved away for. And yet they have completely and utterly accepted me for me.

Ma and Jacqui (my new sister {the eldest of the three children}) apparently calls me the male Gaga, and they intend it as I see it. A huge fucqing compliment!

Daddy-o is the most patient man I have ever met, with the most love for his children. I have seriously never met a man like that. Maybe it’s just because I never had a Dad. But I am telling you, Paul and I can be in the most serious shit (that we caused ourselves {by being stupid}) and we will phone him and ask for help. He never gets upset. As a matter of fact he gets upset if we don’t ask for help. He always says, very calmly, “I hope you have learned your lesson” and then he helps us to fix it. He never raises his voice, he never rejects us. And from what I have seen and heard He will do anything for his kids. ANYTHING!!!

As a matter of fact not just his kids. Beltaine proved it. But that is Hobbit’s story.

Maggie and Riaan have been married for ever. When you look at them you see true love. You see two people who love and respect each other beyond all else. You see a couple that  has proven that 'happily ever after' does exist. It is my hope and wish that Paul and I will also be like them one day.

I know that all of this probably sounds very normal to some of you, but I honestly have no correct expression to give you the full magnitude of how amazing these two people are. Everyone can tell someone how amazing they are, but the awesomeness of ones personality lies within their actions, not in empty words that will fade with time. Those of you that have met them will understand.  I can give you one example. Last year when they were here, one night during Postulancy, Daddy-o decided that he wants to braai, and man can he braai. Yum Yum!! So Dad looked at all of these Postulants and decided that without asking them (meaning without giving them the opportunity to reject out of politeness) that they are braaing with. He went to the shops, got more of everything, including drinks and we had a moerse braai. It was never an issue, it wasn’t obligation. It was just a matter of that mom and dad wanted everyone to be able to eat something with us. Sommer net so, and they made it happen!

I know they read the blog. Ma told me that Daddy-o wanted to get my blog into book form, which is something that I am trying to pursue in anyway, waiting for Jacque in anticipation!!! Apparently they love the blog. He joked and asked me if I am sober when I write all of this, cuz sometimes it is apparently just too funny.

I love you guys so much and I am so grateful to have found people like you in my life. You mean the world to me! Thank you!

Mwah!

Nonne op n treadmil (Virgin Active). Deel 2.

Dinge by die Gym gaan goed. Ons oeffen lekker en mens voel goed na die tyd. Nooit gedink dat dit is waar nie, maar dis werklik waar. Meeste aande wil ek net gaan dans as ons klaar is by die gym. Maar laat ek nou vir julle vertel hoe werk die gym, net sodat niemand n skok kry as hulle besluit om aan te sluit nie. Ek gaan julle vertel hoe dinge werk deur sketse van persoonlike gebeurtenisse te deel met julle.

Gym Wenk 1.

Wanneer jy by Virgin Active N1 City gaan gym, en jy is ‘n man, dan sal jy sien dat daar twee maniere is hoe om by die mans lockers uit te kom. Die een is die gewone ingang wat almal meestal gebruik. Op met een stel trappe en draai links. Loop verby die treadmills wat nou regs bo jou is an dan draai jy regs. Af met die trappe en daar is jy.

Die ander manier is om verby die swembad te loop en dan heel in die hoek is daar ‘n deur wat jy regs in draai by. En dan is jy daar. Of ek neem aan dis so maklik. Die rede hoekom ek aan neem en nie weet nie is oor ons het op dag een probeer kyk hoe werk daai ingang. Ons het by die normale ingang in gegaan vir die lockers en toe besluit ek dat ons dalk net daar deur moet loop om te sien hoe dit werk. Wat nie een van ons besef het nie is dat die swembad deur gaan ook verby die storte. So 5 meter verder, stap daar n oom verby ons. Maar as ek se hy is groot dan meen ek hy is groot. Nee nie gespierd nie. Hy is soos n hang kas gebou. Dis alles net een stuk van bo tot onder. Sonder om te stop het ek my in ‘n ander skoen size in geskrik en al grillend om gedraai en seker gemaak ek vok of. Ek was nou nog nie daar deur nie. Nee ek stort nie by die gym nie. Ja ek weet daar is moontlik mooi mans ook wat stort, maar 90% van die mans by daai gym is, soos ek, daar vir n rede. Moet my nie verkeerde verstaan nie. Ek is nie onnodig lelik nie. Ek se nie ek is mooi gebou nie. Maar ek wil nie eers myself kaal sien nie. Hoe de vok moet ek kyk na ander se jelly wat drill. Ooooo doner nee.  So dit is eintlik n dubbele wenk.

1.1 Moet nie mooi man soek by die gym nie, want daar is nie.

1.2  Vermy die storte. Ek sukkel nou nog om te slaap.

Gym Wenk 2

So gaan ek gym toe en ek is uit gekit. Ek het die Yoga broekkies in swart. Want ek wil mos nou nie loop been wys nie. Ek het t-shirts wat ek nie meer dra nie oor hulle al bietjie oud is. Nie gate of enige iets soos dit nie, net oud. Ek het n water filter bottle, by @Home gekoop, saam met my Polka-dot hand-doekkie. Ek het ook n sports alice-band in groen, wat mos nou sal seker maak dat die hare uit my gesig uit bly as ek sweet. Ek sien so paar dames wat op die masjiene is en hulle klets lekker met hulle neighbour by die masjien lanks aan.

Nie ‘n probleem nie. As hulle dit kan doen, dan kan ek mos ook. Ek en Paul kry toe nie op dag een fietse wat lanks mekaar is nie, oor die hele vokken Nothern Subburbs mos nou besluit om op ‘n Maandag te gym. So hier sit ek langs n vreemdeling. Dis so bietjie van ‘n issue vir my maar ek groet mooi want ons gaan mos nou lekker gesels terwyl ons fiets trap. Ek stel alles wat ek moet stel en begin trap toe…………………5 minute later toe loop die sweet my af. Die man lanks my praat niks want al wat hy sien wat lanks hom aangaan is n ding wat lyk of dit die fietsry marathon trap, met n gym alice-band skeef oor die kop. Hare wat ooral vas plak en my bindi wat nou teen my linker wang sit. Polke-dot is sop nat en water bottle nie groot genoeg vir al die vokken water wat ek nodig het nie.  Toe ek myself in die spieel sien wou ek myself nat pis van bang geit.

Die wenk hier is dat jy nie moet dink dat om rerig te gym gaan jou so vars soos n daisy los nie. Daai anties lieg, want nou het ek al gesien, hulle trap skaars.

Gym Wenk 3

Nou na al die gecardio wil ek so bietjie op die weights masjiene gaan. Turns out ek kan meer handle as wat ek gedink het ek kan. Of dalk is dit oor teen daai tyd ek in elk geval nie meer vokken enige iets kon voel nie. Waar ek loop los ek n plas sweet agter. Die hare wat nie geplak is nie, staan in alle rigtings en my oulike yoga broekkie lyk of dit aan geverf is van die sweet. Waar hier gaan ek om te “tone”. Weet nie wat de vok ek wil “tone” nie, want op die punt is ek nog nie bewus van enige spiere in my liggaam nie.

Die masjiene het almal prentjies by hulle en jy kan maklik sien hoe dit werk. Wel meeste van hulle. EK klim daar in n ding in wat lyk soos iets uit Star Wars uit. Volgens die prentjies is dit maklik, volgens ervaring is dit soos om twister te speel wanneer jy dronk is met n glas wyn in die een hand en ‘n sigaret in die ander. Die ding het n lever wat jy moet stel hier by jou bene en dit lyk of of jou kniee oor n bar moet gaan en jou enkels agter ‘n volgende een. Maar nou sit ek ook nie meer op die stoel nie. Ek le so half in ‘n hoop agtertoe, met my maag wat nou onder my keel sit en my hande keer net ooral dat ek nie moet af bliksem nie. In die proses het ek natuurlik vergeet om my gewigte te stel op iets wat werk vir my. Op die stadium is dit 25kg vir my bene. Dit was op soos 5kg gewees. Ek kry die bar gedruk met my bene maar my lyf draai amper 180 grade in die process en dan hoor jy dit……. Klang……klang……..klang……..klang…….kyk almal ek is die 5kg ou. Die skool meisies kan meer as dit doen maar ek klang……klang…….klang maar voort. Daar kom een van die vloer mense wat natuurlik gebou is soos ‘n action figure en probeer om my te ontknoop. Hy kry dit reg en nou voel ek of die aarde my kan insluk.

So die laaste wenk is dan dat jy seker maak dat jy weet hoe die masjiene werk voor jy dit gebruik.

So wanneer jy weer gym toe gaan onthou die wenke.

Mwah!

Alejandro, the Hair stylist.

There is this common phenomenon in life that basically makes any gay man a hairstylist.Doesn't matter if you can or cannot cut hair. To your friends you are a stylist. Finish en klaar.

Even though my mom was a natural blond, she still used the bottle blond. You know to hide the grey and on the odd occasion i would help her to make sure she got it all covered at the back. That is when she didn't use two mirrors. I started colouring my hair fresh out of high school. So I can colour. But I have never cut hair. Ok no that’s a lie. I did cut Hobbit’s hair once. But it was done in that cheating way of cutting layers where you just brush all the hair to the front and cut a straight line. Easy.

I didn’t tell people that I cut it. It looked ok but it wasn’t professional quality. I mean what did you expect?

Sharon Stone

Anyway. My friend Mel has been talking about cutting her hair shorter. Ok lets first explain this. Mel used to have long enough hair to make a bolla and then play Patsy. I am not gonna elaborate what that means but some of you might know ;)

Then she decided that she wanted it shorter and cut it herself. She just took scissors to it and let rip. It was still hanging below her shoulders but she cut off a huge part. So this time round she decided that it’s not done and she wanted it cut off more.This is about a month later.

I suggested going to a Salon or speaking to my personal stylist (Jaun van Deventer) but she didn’t want that. She wanted something that would be liberating and free. So we spoke about it and somehow we (and by we I mean, Mel, Myself and our friend Namaqua) decided that I would cut her hair……………………..

Al-right now I need to determine what she wants her hair to look like. Yes I can’t style for shit, but I do have a logical mind...........sort of and if I can see what she wants then maybe I can figure it out in my head. So this is more or less how the conversation went;

Zeo: Ok, you need to decide what you want your hair to look like.

Mel: I don’t know, just cut it.

Zeo: Yes but like what? What do you want it to look like.

Mel: I don’t care. Whatever. Just cut

Zeo: What if it looks kak? Then what?

Mel: Then I shave it all off.

The 'Eh!' Face

So it was decided. I would just cut. Somehow, it must have been my boyish charm, I got her to Google “short female hairstyles”, which I corrected to “curly short female hairstyles” Obviously we get millions of results and then I ask her which ones she likes, she pulls a Paul on me and says: “Eh!” 

That by the way is International Paul language for answering any question where he has options.

“Would you like coffee or tea?”……….”Eh!”

“Which movie would you like to watch?”……….”Eh!”

“Which shoes do you think will go with this outfit?”……….”Eh!”

So everyone around me has kind of now learned how to apply the “Eh!” But you have to pull the face that goes with it. Its like I am surrounded by many of Paul. Back to the story.

So come Monday night we decide to cut Mel’s hair. I decide on a look that is a mix between Sharon Stone and Meg Ryan. We move the chair into position, get the scissors and comb and most importantly our friends Namaqua and Marlboro. Mel goes to wet her hair and then comes to sit on the chair in front of me. I am slightly nervous. Even though she doesn’t mind that it comes out a huge fucq up, I mind. As I comb her hair out I realize that I have no fucqing idea what I am doing. A nervous giggle escapes my mouth and my hands shale a little. I know how I would feel if someone just fucqs up my hair.

Meg Ryan

As my giggle escapes Mel asks what that was for. I confess that I have no fucqing idea what I am doing. Nadda. She tells me to just cut. I gather all my strength from my Solar Plexus Chakra and pray that some ascended master guides my hands……….I should have been more specific as to which ascended master. Cuz I got one that suffered from Parkinson's and has no hand eye co-ordination.

Well I started cutting. Hair was flying in all directions and it got shorter and shorter, in an attempt to get it as straight as possible. 

I cant remember who said what but all I know is I was hysterical. I could not cut any more. I was laughing so much. My stomach pained I was really beside myself.

Now Mel has short hair, that doesn’t look that kak if you ask me. She kept on telling people her personal stylist did it and his name is Alejandro. Every time she says it to someone, and I hear, want to pee myself laughing. Of course no one gets why I laugh. It’s not perfect and it doesn’t look anything like what I had in mind, but its there!

Mwah!