Alejandro, the Hair stylist.

There is this common phenomenon in life that basically makes any gay man a hairstylist.Doesn't matter if you can or cannot cut hair. To your friends you are a stylist. Finish en klaar.

Even though my mom was a natural blond, she still used the bottle blond. You know to hide the grey and on the odd occasion i would help her to make sure she got it all covered at the back. That is when she didn't use two mirrors. I started colouring my hair fresh out of high school. So I can colour. But I have never cut hair. Ok no that’s a lie. I did cut Hobbit’s hair once. But it was done in that cheating way of cutting layers where you just brush all the hair to the front and cut a straight line. Easy.

I didn’t tell people that I cut it. It looked ok but it wasn’t professional quality. I mean what did you expect?

Sharon Stone

Anyway. My friend Mel has been talking about cutting her hair shorter. Ok lets first explain this. Mel used to have long enough hair to make a bolla and then play Patsy. I am not gonna elaborate what that means but some of you might know ;)

Then she decided that she wanted it shorter and cut it herself. She just took scissors to it and let rip. It was still hanging below her shoulders but she cut off a huge part. So this time round she decided that it’s not done and she wanted it cut off more.This is about a month later.

I suggested going to a Salon or speaking to my personal stylist (Jaun van Deventer) but she didn’t want that. She wanted something that would be liberating and free. So we spoke about it and somehow we (and by we I mean, Mel, Myself and our friend Namaqua) decided that I would cut her hair……………………..

Al-right now I need to determine what she wants her hair to look like. Yes I can’t style for shit, but I do have a logical mind...........sort of and if I can see what she wants then maybe I can figure it out in my head. So this is more or less how the conversation went;

Zeo: Ok, you need to decide what you want your hair to look like.

Mel: I don’t know, just cut it.

Zeo: Yes but like what? What do you want it to look like.

Mel: I don’t care. Whatever. Just cut

Zeo: What if it looks kak? Then what?

Mel: Then I shave it all off.

The 'Eh!' Face

So it was decided. I would just cut. Somehow, it must have been my boyish charm, I got her to Google “short female hairstyles”, which I corrected to “curly short female hairstyles” Obviously we get millions of results and then I ask her which ones she likes, she pulls a Paul on me and says: “Eh!” 

That by the way is International Paul language for answering any question where he has options.

“Would you like coffee or tea?”……….”Eh!”

“Which movie would you like to watch?”……….”Eh!”

“Which shoes do you think will go with this outfit?”……….”Eh!”

So everyone around me has kind of now learned how to apply the “Eh!” But you have to pull the face that goes with it. Its like I am surrounded by many of Paul. Back to the story.

So come Monday night we decide to cut Mel’s hair. I decide on a look that is a mix between Sharon Stone and Meg Ryan. We move the chair into position, get the scissors and comb and most importantly our friends Namaqua and Marlboro. Mel goes to wet her hair and then comes to sit on the chair in front of me. I am slightly nervous. Even though she doesn’t mind that it comes out a huge fucq up, I mind. As I comb her hair out I realize that I have no fucqing idea what I am doing. A nervous giggle escapes my mouth and my hands shale a little. I know how I would feel if someone just fucqs up my hair.

Meg Ryan

As my giggle escapes Mel asks what that was for. I confess that I have no fucqing idea what I am doing. Nadda. She tells me to just cut. I gather all my strength from my Solar Plexus Chakra and pray that some ascended master guides my hands……….I should have been more specific as to which ascended master. Cuz I got one that suffered from Parkinson's and has no hand eye co-ordination.

Well I started cutting. Hair was flying in all directions and it got shorter and shorter, in an attempt to get it as straight as possible. 

I cant remember who said what but all I know is I was hysterical. I could not cut any more. I was laughing so much. My stomach pained I was really beside myself.

Now Mel has short hair, that doesn’t look that kak if you ask me. She kept on telling people her personal stylist did it and his name is Alejandro. Every time she says it to someone, and I hear, want to pee myself laughing. Of course no one gets why I laugh. It’s not perfect and it doesn’t look anything like what I had in mind, but its there!

Mwah!