Body Beautiful?

I have stated many times that I really do not have a problem with making fun of myself. Last night I realized just again how funny I look. I don’t mean funny as in ha ha, but funny as in …………fucked up.

Firstly, I have enough body hair to redo Cher’s entire wig collection. Thankfully I do not have hair on my back, but hey 30 is coming so you never know which suprises Mother Nature can still throw at me. I have hobbits feet, as in hair. Not much on my chest but my arms and legs looks like the location shoot for the next Jungle Book movie.

My toes are long wormlike fucqing things that can dig holes on their own. I am sure with a little practise I will be able to use them as hands. I mean my longest toe is the length of my pinky finger. I don’t have small hands. Thin, yes, but not small.  My pinky is 6.6cm long that is about 2.6inches. That’s fucqing long.Thankfully they are not knick knack toes.....yet.

My leg! I told you!

I do have killer legs. That I will admit to, the are long and perfectly shaped. Well almost perfectly, since I picked up a few, but they still pretty good. Well also when I get rid of the rainforest on them and give them a little bit of vitamin sunlight. I can’t remember which fucqing vitamin that is. People they are white, like flour white. So maybe a little tan will be good.

I then recently figured out that I have Orangutan arms. You see I buy shirts and then they fit my wheel barrow waist perfectly, but they are too short on the arms. They are always too short on the arms. So I buy bigger shirts which makes me even fatter than what I already am and then at least the arms fit me. At least I have pretty good looking hands at the end of them, with nice nails.I used to do hand and nail moddeling.

My chest, bwhahahahahahahahaha the standing joke is that I will have my belly pierced the day that I can find my belly. My tits are almost te size of my baby sisters (which by the way will just get bigger as gravity slowly becomes my best friend with age) and my stomach could feed a small country for about a month. The weird thing is that Paul wears smaller shirts than what I do, but my trousers are smaller than his. How fucqing bizarre is that.

I have not worn a choker/collar in about 2 years as I cannot make it fit around my neck and thee extra chins that I have developed. Great in the winter but very hot in the summer.

On the face I have a huge fucking nose and ears. Chloe one day told me that I have nice ears, which was the weirdest compliment ever, but never the less it was nice. My fear is both of my ears and my nose is already on the large side. And those three facial…..structures? never stops growing. I know it might not sound like such a bad thing, but HAVE YOU SEEN MY GRANDFATHER?!! Ok he is kind of dead now, so if you see him it would be pretty cool, but my Grandfather (on my mothers side) had two satellite dishes for ears. And I don’t mean like the DSTV satellite, no fucq, I mean like those huge NASA shit that you get. Don’t get me started on the nose.

Tracey Sparks

I also am the proud owner of uni-brow. Fills my heart with joy to have this carpet just above my eyes, clogging up my fucqing third eye. Thank the Goddess for Tracey. Now Tracey is a neo-nazi sadist that I see once a month. She loves to inflict pain on people. But after a pull here and a pluck there, and after the boiling wax of course, I have perfect eyebrows. Sure it so fucqing sore that I find that for the next three days I am still clenching my ass but I am sure that, that keeps my ass nice and rounded. And I do have a nicely rounded firm ass. Not a huge bubble but that has a life of its own, but an in proportion round ass that is rather tight considering the rest of my body is like melted margarine.  But back to Tracey, thanx to this woman and her Goddess hands I have perfect eyebrows. It takes all of 10 minutes. Ten minutes of absolute pain. ‘n Geween en kners van tande, but then for a month my third eye can at least open up without getting hair in it. Please keep in mind that I have an eyebrow piercing and that I don’t take it out for this. She works around it and still she does it. Perfectly!! So I am thinking of going to her for a manicure cus I know she does that as well.  But we will see what happens.

And then my body is rounded off with a head full of blond hair. Yes that’s right I am blond. Not just blond, but platinum blond. God was feeling vey humerous the day i was made. I like to say that he broke the mould when I was made. So all in all I look like an albino Orangutan. If it wasn’t for hairdye, hairtrimmers, makeup, clothes and Tracey, I would have been locked up in the circus many years ago. Throw away the fucqing key. Then you get people who wants to go back to a simpler time. I say fucq it. In a simpler time I would have been killed at birth.

Mwah!! 

To get in contact with Tracey you can phone her on 0825593034, she really is the best at what she does!!