Redneck in the Family

In our lives we meet a lot of people. People that touch you and people that help you. You meet people that compliment you but the ones you always remember are the ones that make you laugh until you want to pee yourself, or the ones that shock the living shit out of you and you can only laugh at what happened, much later.

Jeff Foxworthy

There is an American comedian called Jeff Foxworthy that does jokes that all run along the line of “If your mother can tell a state trooper to ‘kiss my ass’ without the Marlboro falling from her mouth, you might be a redneck” He also says that to him being a redneck is something that everyone is at one point or another. To him it is a glorious moment where there is an absence of sophistication. Although in my opinion in some of his jokes it just seems like a lifestyle. Like “You know you are a redneck if you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.”

I am not saying that I am not a redneck. According to Jeff, we are all rednecks at some point in time, some of us just more than others.

Another old friend of mine one day told me “Common does not choose a preferred skin colour.” Now this was information that I still carry with me. In Afrikaans we say “Kommin kies nie kleur nie.” Again I am not saying that I am not. For example, I do smoke Marlboro and I can say “kiss my ass” without the Marlboro falling out of my mouth. I do sometimes mix red wine with coke to have a Catemba and make the wine last longer. And I own a few label glasses, but at the rate that Paul breaks glasses, I wont have them for too long.

But I want to tell you about people in my family that have these Redneck moments. I wont mention their real names, cuz I know how damn touchy people are, but you will know who I am talking about if you have met them. Maybe you even have one in your own family. And if members of my family wants to get offended, “Kiss my Lilly white ass!” Its meant as a fun reading, be glad I didn’t put your real name on here. Let me just also explain that the man that is my biological father is one of a billion kids and my mother was married 5 times. So when I say there are a lot of people to talk about, I am not joking. Most of these people I no longer have contact with in anyway. So really no skin off my back.

There are women (yes plural) in our family that only 'wears' their teeth on special occasions. Meaning that they have false teeth and it only gets put in for birthdays, weddings and funerals, and for no other reason. One of these women with the no teeth, doesn’t even have special event teeth. She has gums. That’s it. Ok so its her mouth, who am I to judge. The problem is, that is becomes my problem when se greets. She is one of those people that kiss you when they greet, which under normal circumstances I also wouldn’t have a problem with. However when Gummy kiss you hello, your entire face is dripping wet and don’t think you are gonna escape her. Not a chance.

One of the men in our family used to be a serious drug addict. But he used to get so goeffed out of his mind, that you could fart in front of him and then you could scowl at him for being so shameless and he would apologize to you for his terrible behavior of farting in front of you. He wouldn’t even know that it wasn’t him. This same man went on to marry someone else who happens to be a now stepsister of mine. So he went from his previous relation to now being my stepbrother-in-law.  On the topic though there is a lot of inbreeding in our family. We are all related to our neighbours in a complicated way. For example. One of my best friends has a brother that is married to my cousin, but hang on it gets better. This friend of mine was married to a woman whose brother was married to a woman whose mother was married to husband number five. This mother was cousins with her my friends ex wife. Complicated!!

Then there is a woman in our family that just invites herself. When I say she invites herself I now only mean that she will just rock up at your house without phoning first but she will also just invite herself to go with you, wherever you are going to. She is not bothered. And if you are going to a nice place to eat then she will tag along and you will have to end up paying her bill as well.

Probably the pride and joy of our family was a woman that was married into it. She was married to my mother’s one cousin. They met each other in the mal-huis. True as god, You cannot make this shit up. Then he decided that it wont be good for them to get married because she is crazy. Pot calling the kettle black. But she then tricked him into marriage by getting pregnant. I don’t even want to picture that considering I know what they both look like. This woman had a handbag the size of a Queen size duvet cover. In this magickal bag you could find any pill. If you had a cough, she had a syrup, if your nose was stuffy she had a pill. If you couldn’t go or went too much she had a pill for it, she had pills for heart patients, diabetics, anti psychotics, fuck you name it and it was in that magickal bag of hers. Half of these tablets she also took herself. On top of this, if you offered her coffee or tea or juice she would reject it and ask for a glass of wine and or brandy. Please keep in mind that she is also on enough pills to cure fucking anything in most small African countries. What is scary about this image is the fact that she wasn’t a small woman and the handbag never left from under her arm. Never. It would always be clutched there, well unless she is taking out some sort of pill and her smokes. Yes she was also a smoker. This was a sight for sore eyes and one that I do not think can be explained. But it was kak funny to watch her smoke!

So share in the fun and comment below here about some of the redneck people you know!

Mwah!!