On Soapboxes about Judgment

So on the previous entry I briefly mentioned something about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes before placing judgment on them. Let me look into that topic and explain to you what I think about it.

Now I know all about people passing judgment way before they have even met me. As a matter of fact I even know all about judgment from people that know me rather well. In the house that I grew up I was constantly told by my brother, what a big Faggot I was. I was constantly ripped about it. At age 25 I realized that I was gay and he was the person that I was most scared of. His judgment was the biggest hurdle for me. Last year I realized that so much of my first 25 years was based on the judgments that he pushed on me. I didn’t really have a dad. And my brother was the older male that I looked up to. Then last year I realized that he just about ruined the first 25 years of my life due to his judgments. All the terrible stereotypes that he fingered my way. My point to this is, we grew up in the same house, but our lives were very different. Even today we differ like night and day. At family events he hardly speaks to Paul and I. As a matter of fact the only thing he has ever said to Paul was. “Hallo” and he did that twice. The rest of the time he just about ignores us. Want ons is Faggots en Pagans. It hurt me in the beginning but now I realize that, that is just how he is. And even if I had to confront him, he will just carry on passing judgment.

Every person has a very different life. Even when they life together. I wont carry on telling you about my brother so I am going to use Paul and I as an example. Afterall we live together. Paul can spend an entire day at a Japanese Tea Ceremony. He can tell you all about the ritual of it. The wiping of the bowls, the water having to be the exact temperature, the scoop, the whisk the macha and he truly loves drinking it. I tried it and to me it tasted like grass. Boiled grass that takes forever to prepare. If I want coffee, then I want I want it now. I don’t have time to wipe the cup and rinse it and wipe it again and wait for the water to be the perfect temperature and …….sit die vokken ketel aan en kry klaar.   

It is not a reflection on him or me. I love this about him. I love watching his eyes shimmer and glint when he is in that world of his, it’s just not for me. But it is a prime example of two people living together, yet their lives being completely different. The point of me trying to explain this to you is to let you know that even when someone lives with you, they have no right to pass judgment on you, because your life is immensely different to theirs.

I deal with people on an almost daily basis, that suffer from stereotyped judgment. It is so incredibly sad. I listen to them about how they are too afraid to come out of the closet, too afraid to not be Christian, too afraid to date someone with a different skin, too afraid to stand up for themselves, and all because of the people around them that judge them. Mostly these people are Dads, Mothers, Brothers, Sisters, Best Friends, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles and the ones that are nearest to us. And then I so badly just want to go that individual that is passing the judgment and knock their fucking heads against a bring wall while screaming at them “How fucking dare you?!”

A question that I get asked often is “Is teasing the same as passing judgment?” I cannot tell you that it is or isn’t. I suppose it depends on the way it is done, but I can tell you this much. I was teased as a kid by my brother. Look where that got me and my relationship with him. People tell me “Yes but it’s only a joke” While that might be true to you. It is not so true for the person at the other end of that joke. Let me paint you a picture.

A boy gets teased at home by……doesn’t matter who, that he is a Fag. And the people are allowed to laugh at him because of it and even treat him a little differently. Inside that boy is fighting one of the scariest things he will ever have to fight. You have no idea how scary it is to come to grips with your sexuality when you know that

1.     It is not “normal” according to most people

2.     You are already being made fun of about it

3.     Because of point 2 your mind tells you that you will become an outcast.

4.     For the rest of your life people are gonna treat you differently

Coming out is scary enough as it is.

But this same process applies to all areas that you are being judged or the one judging. And I know that 90% of the people that are judges will read this and they wont give a damn. But I am hoping that 10% will pay attention, because to me that is a change.No matter how small

My Wonderful Friend Estelle

You don’t know what it is like to be the person that you are judging. How dare you then judge. One of my friends, Estelle, one day said to a class.

“We all face the same demons, it may be at different levels of hell, but it’s the same”

Around the same time that I came out of the closet someone else I know did as well. He decided that it would be best to first talk to his parents about it and when he sat them down and told them his dad responded with “I’d rather you have Cancer.” 

Shocking isn’t it. 

And as you can imagine, it made things very difficult for him as well as even scarier for me. Your judgments are the same thing. I am hoping that at least a few will change their perspectives now.

I get judged as a Queer, a witch, a teacher, a leader, a friend and and and. I have learned to live with it. But the next person hasn’t. before you judge, rather ask and seek to understand. And if after that you still can’t understand, well then agree to disagree.

Have a great day all.

*gets off my soap box*

Mwah!!