Ritual Epic Fail

In 2001 I attended my first ever public ritual. Yes at home we did private things, my mom and I, but this was my first actual public ritual where I was going to be one of many other Pagans. It was a few days after I met Donna Darkwolf Vos for the first time. She invited me to a ritual and told me that she will email me the ritual outline so that I can know what to expect.  I cannott remember what Sabbath it was but for some reason I seem to think that it was a Lammas or Mabon. Anyway, so I receive the email from her and I read through it and it sounds lovely. I however also read that I am calling the eastern quarter. I froze. Yes I had done this on my own but never in front of a large group of people. The most people I have ever done it in front of was my mother. So I panic. And the first thing that I panic about is not the amount of people, or that it is Darkwolf or what I am going to say. No, I panic about what am I going to wear. So a day of shopping is called for. My mom offered to help me make something and so I decided on this elaborate black and gold mixture between a cloak and robe with a moerse train.  How young and stupid I was. But this alone did not satisfy me. I then decided that shopping is still needed as I need something to wear under this coat, cloak, jaket, robe thing, as it didn’t close in front and I didn’t want it to.  So one Saturday, one of my friends and I decided to go into town and find a plain robe in white to wear under this black and gold number.

We started out at a small muslim shop in Adderley street. There I saw a stunning silk robe but wanted it to be a bit more……..well a bit more. Goddess knows I should have known then already that I was gay. So we walk town flat. We go into just about every second shop and everywhere the robes seem to lack something. I ended up buying the silk one from the first shop. My friend nearly killed me as his feet was busy doing it to him. 

Ok so now that I had that sorted the next was to get my words sorted. I didn’t stress at all about the fact that there might be a shit load of people as I did 5 years of Drama and thought that, that was enough to get me through it. So I get all my books (which at that point in my life, I think was all of 5) and all the printout notes that I had. Now I am goignt to write this elaborate invocation and I am going to look awesome and people will want to be my friend. God I was a twat, and ponsy, like you cannot fucking believe. Very full of myself.

We arrive at the Darkwolf’s house. Everything is set up and I get introduced to a few people. Which is a whole new blog on it’s own, for another day. I go to the backyard and there I walk the circle and practice my invocation. You see I have to do this perfectly. No room for errors. I need to prove that I am worthy, or some such bullshit that went through my mind at that point in time. The ritual starts. We are being smudged and anointed. We all walk into circle. I remember that East was closest to the house. I stood there while everyone is walking in. My black and gold experiment looks fabulous as it flows in the wind and the white silk is stunning underneath it. Back then I had blond hair cut in what Darkwolf described as a “back of the bakkie hairstyle.” It was short and gelled to stand in all different directions so it looked like I was on the back of a bakkie.  I had that surfer look going for me. Or rather I thought that the surfer look was going or me. I realize now how wrong I was.

Back to the story, I looking very serious yet serine in circle and then they light the sword right next to my head. Something I didn’t expect, so I nearly shat myself. But it looked stunning. Circle is cast and I have to invoke the Air energies from the East. I raise my hands as I turn to face the tikki-torch. My black and gold looks awesome in the wind. I look up and with a dramatic pull of the face I open my mouth to speak.......... 

It was at that time that I experienced an old Afrikaans idiom.  It goes as follows “Ek is van my sinne beroof” Now this actually means that you are crazy, but I was literally robbed of my words. I stood there like a doos not knowing what to say. I could not remember a single word. Nadda!!

I some how mustered something out which was like two sentences, nothing like my original speech that I planned. I then forgot to end it off with “Hail and Welcome” I looked and felt like such a doos.

My point to this blog is to remind everyone that we all started at some point and that it is ok to make a mistake. The earthy didn’t open up and swallow . I didn’t get some eternal punishment for it and even though I am sure that both the Air elemental and the Goddess giggled they didn't smite me. They have a sense of humour, I am sure of it. I look at some people out there and realise that the Goddess MUST have a sense of humour. So next time you are called to do something in any circle. Be proud and honoured and take it as it comes. Even the most prepared and most learned still make mistakes!

Mwah!