Weight Busters

I have been looking back at the last year and realized that even though it has been great for me and my life and the Tradition, it has most certainly not been great for my body. I have picked up so much weight that it is unreal and I vaguely resemble something that is used to scare kids. So I decided that I will have to do something to get rid of this weight. I need to loose about enough weight that can feed a small village in Ethiopia. Last time I did that I got divorced. Was brilliant, but this time round I am not planning on going through such desperate measures and drastic changes.  So I have decided on the unthinkable. A few of my friends have decided that I should start walking. I do not have a problem with this. I like to walk. However they do not mean stroll down the mall. No, what they meant to say was you need to walk so fast that it feels like you are dislocating your hips. While you do this you need to also swing your arms so as to keep you knocking yourself in the face and all of this you do while your lungs and heart are being dragged behind you cuz they fell out of your ass. But I decided that yes maybe I need a new look, so I will go walking. The question was, when? I teach three nights a week and when I am not teaching there are rituals, or chanting or something happening. ‘Ah-Ha’ said some fucked up Greek, many years ago as well as my one friend, as she decided that I should go walking in the morning. This means that I now have to lift my ass out of bed at 05:30 just to let my intestines hang out of my behind. Now let me just explain here that I am not a morning person. I cannot function until I have had my second cup of coffee, which I normally have at work and then it still takes about an hour for me to actually wake up. Now they want me to wake up at...........when God is still sleeping.

I was surprised however this morning to see that the sun was already out when I woke up. I was always under the impression that everything that comes into manifestation at about 06:00 every morning when God also wakes up and scratches his sack, like just about all men do. But apparently I was wrong. They also tell me that Cardiovascula exercise is good for you. I cannot even comment on this, If you had seen me this morning you will realise that they fucking lie. I nearly died. I very nearly just fucking dropped down. Good for you, my ass.

So besides for walking I then also agreed with Paul that I will go on an eating plan with him………………………………

Do you know what ‘eating plan’ is code for? It means, ‘We are going to make sure that we suck every bit of fun from your life until you dry up and eventually die cuz all you will have to shit out are the intestines that tries to escape when you walk, briskly as they call it.’

R.I.P.

So we go through this 'eating plan' and things seem ok. It seems like you are allowed to eat quite a bit of things during the day. But then as I am telling him how we will from now on buy everything that is ‘light’ as in ‘Mayonnaise Light’, he looks at me, and at that moment Pauls sweet angelic face became that of a clown out to freak the shit out of me. And he said “you wont be allowed Mayo”. My heart sank, I went cold and I suddenly had the need to become catholic and confess my sins.I lost interest in life in that moment. Mayo can fix any meal. ANY MEAL! You got kak to eat and you put some mayo on, and not drip drip with a spoon, you smother it and Ta-da, a meal fit for a king! And now I wont be able to have it…………ever. It is like my best friend just died. Or they tell you that you have 30minutes of life left. What’s the point of those 30minutes without mayo. Now lets say I have 50years left. 50 years without mayo. Can I do that? Is that humanly possible? I don’t think so. I can see a nervous breakedown on the horizon.

Then as I am mourning for my loss he carries on reading and I realize that there are a lot of numbers involved in this 'eating plan'. Never in my life did I think I would need maths to be able to eat. I am so glad I had geometry until metric. I did however think that maybe, just in case, I should just go out and buy a calculator for the kitchen. Can you believe that, Kitchen Maths. Teach that in school especially in America.

“You have to take Kitchen maths until metric Oliver”

“Oh but why mom?”

“Cuz it will save your fat ass one day.”

I then got told that Ronald MacDonald is no longer allowed to come out to play. Can you imagine that. It’s not like we were best friends but we knew each other well and got along even better. Now he is no longer allowed to come and visit……………ever.

Eventually Paul said that I will have to cut down on wine. Well that is where I drew the line. I can say farewell to Ronald and maybe even get used to no more mayo and no more chocolate and no more ice-cream and and and, but how the fuck does he expect me to do all of that while being 100% sober? No, pull the other one mate.

But in all seriousness now, I want to loose weight so I will listen to Paul and Monique and Catherine and Samantha and my Tai Chi Instructor, Warren.  My coffee mug at work is pink and it has a crown on it and written below it is “Suck it up Princess”. Well if you wanna be thin, suck it up.

Mwah!!