Heavens Paradise Party!

So the world is doing its nut today because apparently throughout the day there is gonna be weird shit happening that is gonna cause the end of our civilization. I don’t know about that. I never bought into this Mayan thing of the doomsday and even if I die today, I have never seen nor heard a sign that would save or damn my soul.

When it comes to saving of souls part though I am a bit confused how the Christians assume they going to heaven to day due to the Mayan prophecy. I clearly missed the part in The Bible where they talk about how the Israelites and the Mayans live happily together in Israel and worship god together. Maybe that is in a unabridged version, which I clearly never read. It’s all very confusing. Also like my friend Julian said.

“Jesus did not say ‘No one shall know the time of my return,…except for the Mayans.”

Seems to me like the Mayans were fucqing crazy people. They knew all kinds of shit this year. I have posters saying they knew that Obama would win the election again. They knew that Riaan Cruywagen was gonna retire and this is in fact why the world is ending. They apparently knew that Zuma would be reelected as ANC president. These people knew fucqing everything man.  Back to my point.

I decided that maybe I should write a blog today since this might be last one ever. I mean we could all be fucqed by the end of today.

Lines and lines of people in front of heaven, St.Peter standing at the Pearly gates, dressed in war paint, head shaved clean, lots of golden facial jewels……You know as I am typing this I actually understand the Christo-Pagan phenomenon for the first time. Those bitches are just covering both their bases. It makes sense now. Even they will be allowed into heaven if the shit strikes the fan cuz Mayan blend St. Peter will allow them in cuz they a blend of Christianity and …..whatever the fuck. I suppose that was also the idea behind ‘Jews for Jesus’….Some Mexican man somewhere has a cult following him of men that don’t have foreskins and swears in Yiddish. All kinds of mental images are floating in my head now. Funily enough the most bizarre one is seeing Jews in Mexico drinking tequila with some dark skinned rif raf called Jesus on a crate in the dusty road.

So last night Paul and I were lying in bed. We have this little thing we say to each other every night before we go to bed. It goes as follows.

Z: “Good night my love, sleep tight”

P: “I will thank you. You too love.”

Z “I will try. Sweet dreams my love.”

P: ‘”I will try”

Z: “In case I die in my sleep, remember I love very much”

P: “You won’t die and I love you too”

So last night at the end I tell him that if tonight is indeed our last night he must remember that I love him very much. He responded by telling me that he loves me too and that he will see me in hell if that is the case. No, you see I told him that I wouldn’t be joining him in hell. I am going to heaven. He didn’t understand so I explained.

I am an Interfaith Minister. I got all my bases cover. No matter who is right, I am going to the Promised Land baby. He asked me if I really wanted to sing Gods praises the whole day, everyday. And you know, I can think of worse things to do. Also I have always wanted to be in and head one of those African American Gospel Choirs. Hmmmmmm Jeeesssussssssss, I said Jeesssuuussssss!!! I could so do that. Bwhahahahahahahahahaha

But then I thought again and realized that I am simply not a follower. There is nothing wrong with being a follower; I am just simply not one. I can’t. I was told that my personality is way to strong to not be a leader. So, I told Paul that I will probably start a riot or some shit, and then run for CEO of heaven. Can you imagine that shit? All over the world people will be texting “OMZ”. Bwhahahahahahahahahaha. Well the first thing I will do is to go the lovely flowing rivers in heaven. We have heard of these beautiful landscapes. When at the river we will test out that ‘water to wine’ trick and see how that goes.

Anyone that refuses to shave, I will show them what a burning bush looks like. A lot of things will change in heaven.

On Earth, Nuns will be married to the big Z F. My name will be used in vain by people all over. And I get to smite people. That is one of the best things. I get to smite your ass if I hear you causing some kak that will upset the equilibrium of My Paradise. Bwhahahahahahahaha, And believe me, Heaven will be a Fucqing Paradise!

Anyway, it’s nice to be able to talk shit. If for some bizarre reason we do all see our asses by the end of today. It doesn’t count if you show other people your ass though. Although there are a few asses I wouldn’t mind to see. Anyway, if we do all see our ass then it has been a fucqing awesome ride people!! And I hope we all enjoy the after party!!

Mwah!!